22 The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.
Single is not a dirty word. I know, I know it sounds odd for me to make such a statement, however, it needs to be said believe it or not. When you are young, maybe a teenager, or in college your parents or wise elders in your life will tell you to “stay single.” They will tell you to not focus on relationships until you get yourself together.
I know I have counseled young people to stay focused on themselves first. I have a young teen who I counsel now, all she does is talk about how wonderful her boyfriend is and how she wants to marry him. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a boyfriend, but often times, young people will have goals, aspirations, talents and ideas about their future. Then they meet someone and all of a sudden they cast their dreams aside because they allowed someone to distract them from their destiny. Then you wake up one morning realizing that you have gained a spouse, but lost yourself in the process.
We will talk more about divine connections in another chapter, but when God blesses you with someone, they help you be better and reach your goals they are not a distraction to them.
Often times generational curses of poverty, teen pregnancy and lack of living a purposeful life comes as a direct result of allowing people in our lives who don’t have a plan for their own lives.
So we wise counselors advice you to put things into perspective, don’t make destiny decisions based upon someone that is only supposed to be temporarily in your life, if they are meant to be in your life at all.
So we say stay single, focus on your purpose and God’s plan for your life. However as stated, this is what we say when you are very young, much too young to know truly who you are, and your place in the world. You need time to figure you out first.
However, there comes a time in every single woman’s life when single becomes a dirty word. I know I know things are getting strange, go with me I am going somewhere.
I was at a funeral about a year ago. There were cousins and family I hadn’t heard from or seen in years. It is funny how family tends to reunite at funerals, weddings and family reunions. So I get there and a cousin says to me, “so where the ring at, you not married yet?” In his defense, he was being funny, we laughed it off. I didn’t take offense to anything he said, like I said it was all in fun.
However, after you have been single for some time, you get the funny look that asked the same question, “why are you still single?”
In many cases being single, can be almost like walking around with a scarlet letter on your forehead.
People begin to assume because you are single then that means you are desperate. I remember years ago, I walked into my office, and said to another coworkers who just so happened was married, “Good Morning.”
Mind you when I said, “Good Morning.” That was all I was saying or implying. The “Good Morning” was being cordial. I don’t know how he took it but he barely looked me in the eye, and barely spoke. The next day he made sure he stood his distance.
I want to make this clear that I have never wanted, desired or even thought about dating a married man. I was saying good morning because that is what I do. I am polite. Every morning when I go to my office, whatever coworker is there I say, “Good Morning.” I remember posting on Facebook sometime later, that just because someone is single doesn’t mean they are desperate. We single women do have a desire to be married, however I want a man of God, a husband, not someone else’s husband. A virtuous woman walks in her worth, and would never consider such a move.
However, single can become a dirty word when other people’s insecurities about who you are come into play. I walk around with my head held high, confident, poised and in love with Jesus. My single status is not something to be looked down upon. Like my pastor said, “someone else’s reality doesn’t have to be your reality”.
I read an article that was quite offensive some years ago. The article was addressed to married men and it talked about how you should act around single women. In many ways, I do believe in boundaries. I personally don’t feel comfortable having an in depth personal conversation with a married man without the wife present. The article portrayed single women as desperate piranhas that were deadly poison that a person needed to avoid at all cost.
I am a business woman, and a therapist; so it is not that I only interact with women. I have to interact and counsel men, women and children alike. However, there has to be boundaries. Boundaries make me feel comfortable, and should make you feel comfortable. I don’t want my good to be evil spoken of. I am not into married men. I am not into ex-wives, baby mamas, or inappropriate mother relationships. I will explain, there are some men that are so close to their mothers; the mother basically has the wife role. When you get together with the man, the mother doesn’t embrace you as a daughter, but sees you as competition.
I honestly pray that when I meet my husband, and I meet his mother, I gain a second mother, not someone who sees me as someone to compete with. Two women should never be in competition for one man, it will never work. If I am ever put in that situation I won’t be in it for long, because I will be done with him and his mother. I am just saying the truth. I don’t do drama or foolishness of such. If a man will allow competition between you and his mama, ladies leave him alone with him and his mama.
I counseled a woman who was going through a separation from her husband. As we talked, she discussed with me how every time they got into an argument, he would run to his family. She discussed how it got to the point where his family would start intervening in their marriage. She recognized that there was no such thing as a perfect marriage, but a deciding factor that contributed to their separation was that he never set boundaries with his family. Her family respected her decision to marry and didn’t intervene.
She tried to set boundaries with his family however, they were unsuccessful. As a man, it was his responsibility to set boundaries with his family. Meaning, he shouldn’t run to his family, and he shouldn’t allow them to intervene in their arguments. If they had a problem with her, then he should have set the boundary that they are not to talk bad about his wife in his presence. My point is, when you go from single to married, there has to be boundaries. There is a difference between walls and boundaries. All healthy relationships must have boundaries.
The positive thing about being single much longer than the rest, is that you do have time on your own, if you don’t have boundaries in your single life, you won’t be able to establish and maintain boundaries in your married life.
So singleness is not a time of desperation. We must define what single is by learning what single is not. Let us start with two different definitions. It is important to note that we deal with two different definitions of single, how God defines single and how the world defines single.
First the world defines single as not married, or not in a committed relationship, or alone.
God defines single as set apart, consecrated for God’s use. It means to be given special privilege or care due to the quality of who you are and the purpose God has called you to. I know this sounds confusing, but go with me. Single means set apart for God’s divine use.
First the bible says that singleness is a gift from God.
1 Corinthians 7:7-8 (NKJV)
7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.
8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am;
Some people say that singles can’t counsel married people. I disagree, if a person is being used by the Holy Spirit they can counsel singles and married. Two main examples were Jesus and the Apostle Paul. Jesus was a single man, and never married while on earth. Apostle Paul never married, but gave some of the most profound advice to married and single people.
Although as a part of my counseling practice I typically do not counsel married couples. My focus in counseling is trauma recovery. More than likely if someone were to contact me solely for marriage counseling alone, I would have to decline and refer them elsewhere.
However, the point is singleness is a gift. As stated when you are single, you have more time to allow God to develop you in business, ministry, and purpose. I say this because ideally when a person gets married, they should have their own lives, they should be in a position to look at their lives and each bring something to the table, including assets. Meaning, you should be able to have the conversation, “this is what I already possess and this is what I bring to the table” and the other person vice versa.
You should have something established in your own life to be able to have a place to comfortably house your gift. Particularly for men. Women your emotions, spirit, materials should be an asset and not a liability. I always said when I was going through my process that I wanted my husband to say he was glad he met me, not he regretted ever meeting me.
Notice in the beginning of the bible, when God gave Eve to Adam, he first established Adam as having a relationship with Him first. He established him in purpose next, he walked in authority as a man on his own and then he had a place to stay. Then God said, “it is not good of man to be alone.”
I know of several young couples as I was growing up; who had never lived on their own, were living with their parents, had never had any major bills on their own, didn’t own cars, and yet were engaged to be married. As my mother said, “you got all these plans but you don’t own a bucket to pee or pot to throw it out in.” That is an old fashion way of saying you are making big plans but are not established in anything.
Yes we desire to get married, but singleness is a time where you are preparing for ministry and or operating ministry. Marriage is the most prestige ministry that ever existed, it is also the oldest. Before there was pastoral ministry, apostolic ministry, prophetic ministry there was marriage ministry. Adam was in the single category before God made him married.
In your single life, you are accumulating assets and wealth. I am not using wealth to mean you have to be rich. I am saying you are accumulating spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial stability to be able to handle the gift God is sending into your life.
Single is a wonderful time of growth, wholeness, learning your relationship with God, learning to depend on Him.
In fact, just last night I heard the Lord say, “I will not share my glory with another.” I realize that often time we are guilty of idolatry. Meaning, God has to share a space in our heart with other things. We substitute God’s love for career, success, people, cars, you name it. The thought came to me that you can make a false god out of just about anything. I realize that I had to be checked by God. He was telling me that until my dependency was on Him and Him alone, He would not allow anything, or anyone else to share space in my heart.
God had to take me through a season of singleness, where I could depend on no one else but Him. Everything, every person, that I put my faith in failed so I had to learn that Jesus was my everything including my source.
This is profound, because you learn the art of being single while, single. You learn who you are and whose you are in God. When you marry, your relationship with God doesn’t go away. You still know God has your source, He just may use your spouse to supply a need, but He is the provider.
This is so important because let’s be honest, singles, sometimes it is hard. I had an incident a few weeks ago where something needed fixing on my car. One day I get in my car to head to work, and as I turned the key in the ignition, the car doesn’t start.
Being a single woman, if there are two things I know nothing about that is cars and mechanics. I have a genuine distrust of mechanics and car salesmen believe it or not. I talked to my father on the phone and he tells me if I take it to the dealer they are going to charge me dealer prices. I love my dad, but that didn’t help. By the way I live in North Carolina my family lives in Maryland. It is not like my dad can tell me what mechanic to go to or he could go with me to the dealer.
The point is, I was in a panic because my car wouldn’t start. I was scheduled for clients that I had to cancel at the last minute. I didn’t have the enormous amount of money the dealer wanted just to get it fixed. I had no help and no one to call. Yes I admit, as poised and confident as I was, I was afraid. I knew what the scripture said about God being the provider. I knew every scripture, but in this situation I didn’t know what to do. It was a major test in learning to trust God in a deeper way.
The first thought that came in was “if I had a husband he could take care of all of this for me.” The reality is I don’t, now what?
My point is, I have learned and am learning to trust God even in my singleness. God is my source, He is my husband. He supplies my need.
By the way, I got my car fixed. I was out some money but at least I had a working car. However, I want to show you how God works.
After I got my car fixed, I had some visitors over my home. As we were all hanging out one particular person said he had something to tell me. He said, I had to receive it.
You know what I am thinking right? What is wrong? Well this individual says, I had a dream about a week ago and I have to do something.
This individual hands me a significant amount of money. This individual said a week ago he had a dream and in the dream God told him to sow a seed into my life and he did.
My point is, while I was trying to figure it out, God had already worked it out. He had already had someone to bless me, while I was stressing for nothing. My point is, that was another lesson for me.
When I get to another dimension in ministry, I will remember how God provided a way. When I am married, and myself and husband are experiencing something we won’t have a clue what to do. Guess what? I have already been prepared in my singleness how to trust God. I can say confidently to my husband, we are going to trust God. Instead of going into pieces and allow my emotions to rule. In your singleness, is a time to learn to how to not allow your emotions to lead.
That is just one example of many. I learned God is my source in my single life. I have had checks come in the mail. I remember one time I had a random check in the mail for thousands of dollars. I was so excited I didn’t spend it; my plan was to put it away for another time. Literally the next week, I unexpectantly had to have emergency surgery on my tooth, I had to pay out of pocket for the entire procedure. You can’t tell me God didn’t provide for me.
My point is, singleness is a time of learning and for complete dependency on God. You are powerful when you truly know in your heart, God is your provider.
Let’s briefly discuss what singleness is not.
As stated, singleness is not a time of desperation.
There is a difference between being lonely and single. Lonely is an emotional state that comes upon you as a result of depression not being single. Just because someone is alone or single doesn’t mean they are lonely. I don’t know about you, but I love hanging out with myself. I am naturally an introvert, but the revelation and experiences God gives me in my alone time with Him I wouldn’t trade for the world.
As stated, you are not single if you are living single, but having sex outside of marriage. As stated, you are a sinner. Successful singles are not out having sex.
1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (NKJV)
18 Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.
19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?
20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body[a] and in your spirit, which are God’s.
You are not a successful Christian, nor are you are successfully single, if you are living outside the precepts clearly set by God Himself.
Actions speak louder than words. You can say you love God all day and night, the only proof that you love God is if you keep His commandments. You don’t love God if you are engaging in fornication.
Matthew 5:28 (NKJV)
28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
John 14:15 (NKJV)
15 “If you love Me, keep[a] My commandments.
John 14:23 (NKJV)
23 Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him.
Romans 12:1 (KJV)
12 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
Don’t let wrong theology fool you. You can’t intentionally live in sin and think you are going to make it to heaven.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11(NKJV)
9 Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals,[a] nor sodomites,
10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God.
11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.
You can call it what you want, if you are single having sex, you are a fornicator; and clearly scripture says you will not make it to heaven.
We serve God and live holy because we love Him; not because we are trying to earn our spot in heaven or His love. But don’t get it confused when you continue to intentionally sin, you prove you are not a child of God and if you don’t repent and stop you, will go to hell. If you are participating in these behaviors, you are single by title only, not by actions. It is your actions that prove who you are and who you belong to, not what you claim.
You’re not single in your heart if you are married in your mind. What does that mean? I am glad you asked.
It means, if you are carrying the hurts from your past relationship, past friendships, ex’s who did you wrong, you are not single by God’s definition.
I worked with an individual who had just left a relationship that was tumultuous, but they never seemed to be done with each other. They would always end up reconnecting after a time of separation. Eventually she started dating other people, but never quite ended the relationship with her ex.
It was clear that she still had feelings for her ex. The reality is, she wasn’t ready to date because her heart hadn’t closed the door from the previous relationship.
If you are still communicating with your ex; and when he calls your heart still jumps or flutters; if you still hang out on occasion, then you are not yet single.
I don’t believe in having ex’s as friends. You can care about someone, but that doesn’t mean you still have a relationship with that person. I had a friend who did me very dirty years ago. I am the kind of person that when I am done with you, I am done with you. However, after the anger subsided, I realized that I don’t have any ill will or hard feelings towards this person. I genuinely still care; that is my human nature. I believe in forgiving, that doesn’t mean you forget and allow yourself to be misused again.
Every now and again, I hear from mutual friends about how this person is doing. I am genuinely happy for them and their success. However, we will never be friends again. Just because I forgive and move on, doesn’t mean we are going to sit down and have dinner together. We will never hang out together. Why? Because that door is closed.
If you still keep communicating with an ex, going out with them etc, then the relationship is not a closed door. The only way you should communicate with an ex is if children are involved. I personally don’t date men with children. That is my personal choice; to each is his own.
My point is, you are single in title only if you are still friends with an ex or have any form of communication with them.
That doesn’t mean when you see that person in passing you act ugly. You can be cordial and speak. In the case of that ex friend, when I see this individual I speak and ask about how things are going? To be cordial, there is no hard feelings, but as stated, that is a closed door. You can’t be believing God for open doors still hanging on to doors that God has told you to close, it won’t work.
That is why if you have gone through a break up, you need to be by yourself for a while. Don’t go from one relationship into another relationship. You need to heal. You need time to be alone. In my experience as a counselor most often if there has not been a transition period what happens is you take the old drama from a past relationship into the next one. Often times, couples are not fighting each other, they are fighting their past exes, in a new relationship.
We unlearn in stages. You have to not allow the hurt from the previous relationship into your new relationship.
I counseled a young lady who was previously in an abusive relationship for five years. In the relationship, she was physically, emotionally and sexually assaulted many times. Eventually she broke free from that relationship. Eventually she met a different man who never put his hands on her, never abused her in anyway. However, she still felt the after effects of the previous relationship. When they did argue, which all couples do at some point, she would make assumptions. She would be ready for the worse. She was waiting for him to insult her or pack up and leave. None of which he ever did. Why? Because that was the pattern of her old man.
It is not possible to think that you will never experience any after effects of a previous relationship in a new relationship. However, it is important to know the longer you stay single, detached, you allow God and the Holy Spirit to heal those broken places in your heart. So that a new spouse is not having to make up for what the old person did.
Do yourself a favor, stay single until God releases you. He will make sure you’re ready. Often times we think we are ready long before we actually are. Only God knows when you are ready.
Close that door, don’t keep hanging out with an ex expecting God to bring you a new man.
Plus ladies you are giving men the wrong message. A real man pursues a woman, not the other way around. We will talk more about that in other chapters.
However, men are created to pursue to go after what they want. So if you keep receiving gifts from an ex, going out to dinner with them, talking to him on the phone. You are giving a man hope that there is still a chance. My dad taught me and my sisters growing up, never to accept a gift from a man, it means something.
A man will never give you a gift because he is that generous. He is trying to get in good graces with you. You have to know in your knower that this is not God’s will and make it clear to him. Sometimes you love someone enough, but know they are not good for you and you are not good for them. Love them enough to let them go. Release them so that they get healed and find who God has for them. The reality is, that person is clearly not you.
It doesn’t take away from who you are as a person. It doesn’t mean you are a failure. It doesn’t mean you are not worthy. It simply means that was not the person for you. You can’t release them, still accepting their gift and request to commune with you. Do yourself a favor, let it go!
You’ll be happy you did, particularly when God sends the God ordained person into your life.
However, again as stated God will never release who He has for you into your life, when you are hanging on to what was.
Lastly, you are not truly single and free to date or marry someone else, if you have been married before.
Matthew 5:31-32 (NKJV)
Marriage Is Sacred and Binding
31 “Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’
32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality[a] causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery
Matthew 5:31-32 (NLT)
Teaching about Divorce
31 “You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’[a]
32 But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.
Luke 16:18 (NLT)
18 “For example, a man who divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery. And anyone who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery
Mark 10:11-12 (NLT)
11 He told them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery against her.
12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries someone else, she commits adultery.”
Romans 7:3 (NLT)
3 So while her husband is alive, she would be committing adultery if she married another man. But if her husband dies, she is free from that law and does not commit adultery when she remarries.
Jeremiah 3:1 (NLT)
3 “If a man divorces a woman
and she goes and marries someone else,
he will not take her back again,
for that would surely corrupt the land.
But you have prostituted yourself with many lovers,
so why are you trying to come back to me?”
says the Lord.
The scripture is self-explanatory. You can read it for yourself if it pricks your heart and you do not believe it. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal truth to you and He will confirm what I am stating to be true.
So how did we get to divorce? First in the text above, Jesus is doing what He does, teach kingdom principles. He then starts teaching about divorce and remarriage.
Jesus clearly states that divorce came back in the day with Moses. Moses instituted the accepting of divorce because of the hardness of the people’s heart, but God never gave us permission to divorce then and He doesn’t give us permission to do so now. I know it is a hard pill to swallow but look at the scripture again.
Mark 10:2-12 (NLT)
2 Some Pharisees came and tried to trap him with this question: “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife?”
3 Jesus answered them with a question: “What did Moses say in the law about divorce?”
4 “Well, he permitted it,” they replied. “He said a man can give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away.”[a]
5 But Jesus responded, “He wrote this commandment only as a concession to your hard hearts.
6 But ‘God made them male and female’[b] from the beginning of creation.
7 ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife,[c]
8 and the two are united into one.’[d] Since they are no longer two but one,
9 let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
10 Later, when he was alone with his disciples in the house, they brought up the subject again.
11 He told them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery against her.
12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries someone else, she commits adultery.”
You are not free to get married if you are divorced.
Lastly, you are not free to marry if you are not single. I know that sounds strange. However, I knew a minister of the gospel. While she was having marital troubles that were long standing, she told me how God told her He would bless her with a godly man.
Again, the issue is she was married at the time. Well she ended up divorcing her husband and marrying another minister. First, God will never contradict His word. God is not going to change His word because we don’t agree with it. God is not going to send you someone else’s wife or husband.
So how should someone deal with an unbelieving spouse?
1 Corinthians 7:12-17 (NLT)
12 Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a fellow believer[a] has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her.
13 And if a believing woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him.
14 For the believing wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the believing husband[b] brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy.
15 (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the believing husband or wife[c] is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you[d] to live in peace.)
16 Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?
17 Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches.
The word of God is clear concerning these things.
Ideally, a Christian should never marry an unbeliever. However, there are instances where you are already married and your spouse gets saved or vice versa. That doesn’t mean you leave your spouse because you get saved. They may be uncomfortable to live with, but allow God to save them, you be the example.
2 Corinthians 6:14-16 (NLT)
The Temple of the Living God
14 Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?
15 What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil[a]? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?
16 And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God said:
“I will live in them
and walk among them.
I will be their God,
and they will be my people.[b
2 Corinthians 6:14-16(NKJV)
14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?
15 And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?
16 And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you[a] are the temple of the living God. As God has said:
“I will dwell in them
And walk among them.
I will be their God,
And they shall be My people.”[b]
Just because someone is in church, doesn’t mean they are Christian. Satan and demons go to good, sanctified churches every Sunday. Just because someone is a Christian doesn’t mean you are fit to be together. Many people define Christianity differently.
A man should be the priest of his home. If he can’t pastor you or lead you, then he is not for you. Just because we are two Christians doesn’t mean we are equally yoked. If a man doesn’t have a relationship with God outside of you ladies, he is not for you. If he is only going to church to impress you, then he is not for you.
There was this crazy movie that came our years ago, called I Am In Love With A Church Girl. The movie was heresy at best. The main character basically only starts going to church because of the other main character, who is a female. In the movie, it turns our great. I know it was based on a true story.
However let me caution you, I have seen this time and time again, it will not work in your favor. Once a man has you, he more than likely will go back to who he is. If you have to lead a man to the alter, you will have to lead him to keep a relationship with God.
That is not a woman’s role, to spiritually carry a man. I don’t know about you, but I want a man that is in love for Jesus and Jesus alone, long before He ever meets me. He needs to be in love with Jesus so much that God has to shine the light on him to who I am. Meaning, a woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek God in order to get her heart.
There is a new trend going on where so called saved men, date and marry women whose relationship with God is questionable. Again, I highly caution you men do not go down this road. You can ask Ahab in the bible what happens when a man is committed to God, yet hooks up with a beautiful woman who has a questionable relationship with God. Devastation is the consequence.
This is why you have to have standards. Again men, a woman should have a solid relationship with God and the Holy Spirit long before she has ever met you. A beautiful mind, or face doesn’t equate to a relationship with God. Some church heals, and nice makeup doesn’t make a woman fit to be your spouse. Just because she can cook and clean doesn’t mean she should be your wife.
What does her relationship with God look like outside of you? I personally believe a man shouldn’t even approach a beautiful woman immediately he may be interested in. He should do like Boaz and sit back and observe her. The truth will eventually come out as to who she really is. Then after studying and observing her character then approach her. Remember the demon Jezebel came in beautiful clothes.
Nice clothes can’t cover up an ugly personality or someone with damaged emotions. Nice clothes, a beautiful waist and pristine appearance can’t cover up a demonic spirit. Eventually it will show its true colors and show you who it is, but if you are already in relationship or your heart is involved it will be much too late.
This is so important men of God; because in my observation, great men of God are more susceptible to this form of a deception, because you naturally attract beautiful women. The anointing attracts, you can be an ordinary man of God, but when the anointing starts revealing itself, then you become more than just ordinarily attractive. Then women are flocking to you left and right. Again, you don’t want to be deceived by a pretty face.
Particularly if you are in ministry. You need a woman who has a relationship with God. You can’t be trying to fight demons in your own house. You need a woman who has a prayer life, who knows how to hear from God. You need a woman who has found herself in God. She knows how to pray for and over her husband.
If not you will be like Moses who time after time, kept having to come down the mountain to deal with people of Israel’s emotions. The last thing an anointed man needs is a woman who is emotionally unstable. She never met God or truly knew Him until she found you. That is not a good thing. We will talk about divine connections versus divine distractions in a later chapter. Note that satan sends divine distractions through the company you keep.
Proverbs 21:9 (NKJV)
9 Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop,
Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
Proverbs 21:9 (KJV)
9 It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.
Contentious means causing or likely to cause an argument; controversial, involving heated argument (of a person) given to arguing or provoking argument. Brawling means fight or quarrel in a rough or noisy way.
A woman that doesn’t know when to shut up is not a woman you want. I know I may have offended the women reading this. I am not saying that women don’t have a voice and shouldn’t be heard. I am saying a wise woman knows when to be quiet. Men you want a woman with a peaceful quiet spirit, not a woman who is going to boss you around. Women should be confident in their own femininity not in another.
Look what the scripture says.
1 Peter 3:4 (KJV)
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
When I read this scripture my spirit leaped, because all my life I have been quiet. I am a quiet, but confident woman. When I read this scripture it gave me confidence to know that I am just the way God created me to be.
Yesterday I was at the gym, and it just so happened that Basketball Wives was on. I never watch television anymore so the show is foreign to me. However, I noticed these women, perfect bodies, perfect shapes, make up was flawless. However, all I saw was cursing over every other word. Fighting over who said what about who. Crazy stuff that I hadn’t dealt with since I was in middle school, many years ago.
My point is, don’t tell me contentious woman don’t exist. I am not saying that a woman should be so subservient, and quiet that she doesn’t have a brain. I am saying a good wise woman knows how to speak, to be heard, not to fight.
A true wise woman knows that when she does open her mouth to speak or give wise counsel, she is heard because when she opens her mouth she says something of worth or value.
Does that mean we as woman are not powerful? No! Does that mean we can’t speak our minds? No! I always say I will not follow a man into hell, or the wrong direction. Does that mean your voice cannot be heard? No! I personally don’t want a man who doesn’t value my thoughts, opinions or voice in this world.
Isaiah 30:15 (KJV)
15 For thus saith the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not.
Isaiah 32:17 (KJV)
17 And the work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever.
When the Holy Spirit is in you He will quiet your spirit. When Holy Spirit is in you, you learn not to fight about everything; you speak as the Lord, and let Him fight the battle.
Proverbs 15:1 (KJV)
15 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
A woman of God is powerful, anointed, walks in authority, dominion, power and prays with a quiet spirit.
I hope you hear me, we as women are powerful beyond belief. We are anointed, appointed and called of God. We are not less than a man. In fact, in the beginning when God made Adam and Eve he was quoted saying, He gave Adam a woman, that was, “comparable to Him.” Genesis 2:18.
However, we have to come to each other with mutual respect. Men and women receive and honor each other in different ways.
Ideally, a woman should affirm a man’s masculinity. A man should protect a woman’s femininity so she doesn’t have to come out of character to feel heard or respected. We will talk this is another chapter.
Men, if a woman doesn’t have a real relationship with God she may appear to affirm your manhood, but really, she is a seductive spirit, familiar spirit that is sent to distract your destiny.
A woman of God doesn’t dress like a harlot. The Holy Spirit on the inside of her, will tell her to dress like she is a woman of honor. She needs to dress like she owns the company, not like she is walking the street trying to solicit customers if you know what I am saying.
A real woman honors herself long before she ever meets you. I could go on, but let us talk about you women.
You women don’t want a contentious or a brawling man. You don’t want a man that is emotionally unstable, this is where you get insecure, controlling men from. They have no back bone. A woman of God doesn’t find Ahab or his friends attractive.
A true Christian woman doesn’t find thug love attractive either. You have to be careful women because if you truly are a woman of virtue, a man will be attracted to that virtue Christian or not. However, you are like a diamond if he is not qualified to handle you, the result can and will be devastating. Ever have a beautiful friend, with a beautiful mind and spirit, who you see with the wrong guy? I know someone that is beautiful inside and out. She has a heart of gold. Yet for years she has been married to a contentious, brawling man. Her life is miserable. A beautiful soul who got caught up with the wrong man.
For me, I naturally have an anointing to counsel. That is my God given gift. I am also a virtuous woman. I am not bragging I am just confident in who I am. I am nice, sometimes too nice, to a fault. My nature is to build people up and encourage them. However, I have to be careful because I will attract a man who needs my counseling anointing. I counsel men all the time, but I am professional in every sense of the word.
Just because I gave a man a smile and treated him with respect doesn’t mean you get access to my heart. I don’t find an emotionally or mentally unstable man attractive. I have to be careful because it is my virtue that attracts. My femininity is what makes me who I am. My kind nature is of value. My peaceful spirit draws.
It however, doesn’t make me stupid, or naive. I have to know who I am. When a man is attracted to me, I know what and who I am. I ask myself what does this person bring to the table? How would you contribute to my life in anyway? I am not interested in mothering, babying a grown man. I am not interested in counseling a grown man in my personal life. Counseling is my profession, not my personal life.
In fact, I had an incident a couple weeks ago, of a man being attracted to me. He had no chance on this earth of remotely dating me. It may sound bushy or stuck up, but sometimes a person needs to just check themselves in order to not get their feelings hurt.
Once again, I met this man in a professional setting. I don’t disclose anything about me at all. All I do is do what I do, be myself. I treat him with respect and dignity. Not because I want him because that is the virtue and the Holy Spirit in me that treats people the way I want to be treated.
Well sometimes, a person can think your kind nature is more than what it is. Like my pastor says just because someone smiles at you doesn’t mean they want you.
So as we go on, I guess he notices that every time he is around me I am kind and genuinely concerned. That is what I do as a therapist. He starts asking me questions about my personal life, wanting to take me out to dinner and a movie.
So after a while of me declining his request to get to know me. I was clearly not interested. He keeps at it. Mind you, I don’t mind when a man approaches me or is attracted to me that is a part of our human nature. The problem comes when I clearly shut you down and you don’t take no for an answer. Then I have to cut all ties because you are making me feel uncomfortable. I have never been Shaniqua with the attitude problem, but if a person keeps trying me then I will have to tell you about yourself.
I know who I am and whose I am. I am not settling for less. A little secret about me is that if a person gets too close to me, and you are not someone I am interested in. If you keep trying me, then I am done with you, and when I say I am done, I am done.
I know I sound mean, but let me tell you about him. This man is about 15 years older than me. He has spent time in prison, cusses like a street sailor, has no job, has kids he hasn’t seen in years. He is a convicted felon, on probation and basically sits around his house all day long smoking marijuana. There is nothing about him that is a Christian. He is genuinely a negative person to just about everything and everyone.
I treated him with respect and kindness, however he clearly is way out of his league. Why in the world would I want him?
Proverbs 25:19 (KJV)
19 Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble is like a broken tooth, and a foot out of joint.
My point is, my virtue attracts. I showed him respect even though I don’t agree with his lifestyle. He thought my kindness meant something that it clearly was not.
Not in this lifetime will I ever date a man that is not a Christian, not really even close to seeking God, no job, no purpose, smoking weed, kids, baby mamas, ex-wives and ex-girlfriends, or ex-cons. No sir! All that weed smoking clearly had his mind cloudy. Not to mention nothing about him is what I remotely find attractive.
My point is, I know who I am. I know whose I am, because a part of my counseling ministry is to the unchurched, I show mercy and kindness to the unchurched without really even trying. I am just myself.
Men like that don’t need a woman in their lives they need their mother and a place to stay. My home is not for the homeless, the needy or the hungry. It sounds funny, but we all know that woman who will work two and three jobs, while having a big grown man sitting at home on the couch watching television. That is crazy. Scripture says if a man doesn’t work he doesn’t eat.
2 Thessalonians 3:10 (NKJV)
10 For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat.
He clearly was messing with the wrong one.
My point is, as a single person you can’t be naive. You can’t be so gullible that you don’t see the enemy when he is approaching. The enemy knows that men are more visual so he will send you a beautiful woman. She is really a wolf in sheep’s clothes.
The enemy knows that a virtuous woman wants a strong man who can handle your anointing. So he may send you someone who looks and acts the part. However, in the case of that man, that wasn’t even close to deception on my part. It was foolery on his part to even think about me like that.
The point is, as you grow in your singleness, you develop confidence in who you are. You know what you are willing to accept. You can hear God’s voice in such a profound way, you know whose, who and what is what because God reveals it.
I don’t know about you, I already have preset standards. I don’t have to sit down with you, have long conversations and dinner with you to know you are not the one for me. Because I serve God in such a way He knows how to speak to me when you first walk in the room.
I had a friend. She met this guy and he liked her. I will never forget it, the first time I saw him. I hadn’t’ even spoken to the man, I just looked at him. I heard the Holy Spirit say, “He is not the one for her, she needs to leave him alone.” Well she didn’t listen. Turns out many years later, she comes back to me and says I was completely right.
I know of another young lady. She went on a date with this man. That night the Lord spoke to her in a dream. She saw him physically abusing her and beating her. She knew that was God telling her to leave him alone. She did. This young lady is happily married to the man of her dreams. Not to mention, he is a godly man of integrity and honor.
Again, when you are single, you are confident and can hear God’s voice. You know who you are. You want what God wants for you not what your flesh wants. If you can’t walk in integrity while you are single, you will have difficulty while married.
It is better to stay single and wait on God. Marriage does not deliver you from a lust problem, God does. This is why you have married couples, who have spouses addicted to drugs or pornography. Marriage doesn’t fix lust.
You must learn and be okay with being alone. If you don’t like your own company why should someone else?
I could go on, but I am going to end it here. Know that there is honor and value in being single. It doesn’t mean you won’t get married. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t desire marriage. However, don’t compromise your standards. It is better to live in peace.
The more happy and whole you are in your single life, the better you will be married. Let God be your everything, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
1 Corinthians 2:9New King James Version (NKJV)
9 But as it is written:
“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
Nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”[a
However, you can’t claim God’s promises when it is time to be blessed, and not go through His principles. You will only get to God’s promises by following His plan. The reality is, there are some of us who are single, for what appears to be no rhyme or reason, but it is a part of God’s plan.
Lastly I forgot to mention, God does not acknowledge nor does He honor same sex marriages. You are not free to marry someone of the same sex according to the laws of God. Homosexuality, lesbianism, LGBT is not of God. You can’t believe God for a spouse of the same sex. Nope! God will not do it.