1. SHUT UP! Just because you just got married doesn’t mean you are called to give your single friends advice. I find it interesting , in my observation people who have been married more than 10 years or longer tend to be very encouraging. They say things like "enjoy being single, don’t rush, it will happen, wait on God.” While it is the newly married people who want to have a poor you singlementality and feel the need to give advice. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re, QUALIFIED to be the head of a marriage ministry yet. I personally rather receive advice from someone who has gone through the struggle of marriage, the up downs and everything in between. So if you haven’t been married long then SHUT UP! If people want your advice then we will ask.
2. Single, feeling alone or lonely are two different things. Singleness is a blessing, not a curse. It is a time of preparation for our mates. I personally am happy, whole and at peace. Just because we are single doesn’t mean we are lonely and depressed. So stop it with the side eyes. Maybe you were broke busted and disgusted as a single person, but we are not. We are not sitting around waiting on our spouses to rescue us from ourselves. In fact we love ourselves that’s why we are single. It is better to be single and at peace then married in a house full of strife. So just because your friend is single doesn’t mean she or he is discouraged. Again your advice in this area is not needed. SHUT UP! If we want your advice we will ask, if we don’t ask DON’T volunteer your services.
3. Myth: Single people don’t know anything about marriage or relationships. This is NOT TRUE. First the Apostle Paul who was not married, gave the greatest counseling and instructions about marriage to married people. The advice he gave if used is the basic foundation for any marriage. It is when you don’t follow the advice the very single Apostle Paul, gave that you may run into problems. Relationships are the way of the world. I always say, you don’t wait until you’re married to prepare to have a successful marriage. You prepare while single before you even know your spouse. If you can’t be successfully single you will not be successfully married. I Corinthians 7, I Corinthians 11:1-12
4. No we are not interested in knowing your business! I could care less about in the ins and outs of your relationship. So the old myth that you shouldn’t be talking to your single friends about your marriage, in some ways I agree. What is between you and your spouse should be between you and each other. In general you should be careful and not talk about your spouse to other people. However we are not overly concerned about your relationship or eager to hand out advice. Married people should follow the same advice. Again if we want your advice we will ask, if we don’t ask take a hint.
5. No! Stop it with the hook ups. I find it annoying when people try to hook me up with someone, particularly when I don’t know you that well. I find it offensive that people assume because I am a naturally quiet person that I need advice on how to find a man. I find it even more annoying when people assume I am single because of my personality. The reality is people have different personalities but no one should be looked down upon or made to feel something is wrong with them because they are single. There is no proof that certain personalities are quicker to find spouses than others. My personality is who I am and I have no intentions of changing. As long as a person is confident in who they are regardless of their personality, they shouldn’t have a problem finding a mate when it is God’s perfect time. The reality is you can meet someone anywhere. When it is time he would finds a wife will find a good thing, not he who hooketh up. So just because you are married doesn’t mean you need to start your own dating service.
6. We are not bitter, angry, resentful or jealous of your life or your marriage!
7. Okay so I know Valentine’s Day is technically five months away and not till next year. But really is your life defined by one day? Do you get encouraged or discouraged by one man made holiday? If you do that is sad and a spiritual issue between you and God. I don’t. All the stay encouraged single people comments last year were just plain annoying and downright inappropriate. Just to prepare you for next year. If your life is not defined by one man made holiday why assume that a single person needs extra encouragement on that day? Seriously! The strength of your marriage is not defined by Valentine’s Day, it is a lifetime. So maybe next year I or my other single folks may not have a Valentine, some may. But don’t assume that for one day that we are just sitting around sad. Life is too short. If your life, marriage and relationship is not defined by one day, neither is a single persons. So just in case you are tempted to look down or tell some single person to stay encouraged. Think again.
8. This is really my personal opinion. I have never really participated in single ministries other than the occasional outing or two. I don’t have a huge problem with single ministries they just never peaked my interest. However I do feel as though single ministries should be led by successfully single people. Meaning if you are not living a life of holiness. If you have been married three and four times etc. These people should not be leading single ministries. Sounds strange but I remember being at single events being led by persons who are in adulterous relationships etc. I am not trying to judge, but really. A minister should be worthy of their calling. However married people don’t assume that single people are having a problem living a life of holiness and celibacy. We are not burning waiting for someone to rescue our flesh. The basis of marriage should be God ordained not to fulfill lust.
9. We are not discouraged, disillusioned or despondent. I am grateful to the ministries that I have been apart of that have given me great examples of married couple’s in ministry. I can personally say that as a single person I view marriage as a great gift from God. Although I am single I truly love myself. I know that God has used this period of singleness to prepare me for my spouse. I always say I want to be an asset to my spouse not a liability. I want my spouse to be glad he meant me. I want to be someone’s helpmate not a hindrance. I truly believe my process to being happy, whole and full is nothing but the gift of God. I couldn’t say that a few years ago. I believe before an individual finds themselves a spouse they must find themselves in God first. God must be your spouse first. God is my everything and I am so full and at peace in Him. I find it sad because I know for a fact that so many young women who feel as though they have to loose themselves and their dreams in order to find a man. However when you are truly single, you know you’re calling, purpose and destiny in God. When He has a divine connection it will be based upon your divine purpose and assignment. When a person gets married they shouldn’t lose themselves but gain a greater part of themselves. So married people stop treating or talking to a single person as if they don’t know who they are or who’s they are.
10. There is a difference between marrying a divine connection versus a soul tie. It is a sad thing to marry a soul tie. However a person cannot manipulate the time when a divine connection will come into their lives. God predetermines this. Adam didn’t go looking for Eve, God saw that Adam needed a wife so He brought in what He needed. Even though Adam didn’t know what He needed, He didn’t even ask God for Eve. You can marry anybody. There is a difference between being married and being happily married. We are not single because we can’t meet anybody. We are waiting on God for His choice for our lives. So stop it with the advice on how to find somebody. Anybody can find somebody, but it takes a real person to wait on the right person God has ordained for their lives.
There is a purpose for marriage and a purpose for being single. The reality is one purpose is not greater than the other. So as singles life out their purpose, married people don’t need to treat singles some kind of way because we are equally operating in our purpose for this season of our lives. Wherever you are in your purpose let God lead you in action, words and deeds. Remember married people just because you can say the anything you want doesn’t mean you should, let us both walk in wisdom and love.
From one single person to the another, let us continue to be confident, strong, and whole as God prepares us for our mates. Remember nothing missing, nothing broken.
Don’t forget to check my book entitled Soul Ties.
Samaria M Colbert © 2013