© 2022 Dr. Samaria M Colbert
Your emotional, mental, spiritual, physical health is dependent on your ability to set boundaries.
Remember everything in life has a system, purpose and an intended
boundary. If you are clear about your purpose, it is equally important that you be clear about your boundaries, or you will not have the vitality to fulfill your purpose long term.
A boundary is a limit, expectation, standard, values, and responsibility. A boundary is what is acceptable and unacceptable in words, actions or deeds.
Boundaries lets us have a healthy work life balance. Without boundaries chaos is present. Without healthy boundaries stress ensues.
Reasons people don’t set boundaries include:
Fear of confrontation. Hero Syndrome, the need to rescue others from themselves. Being put in the caretaker role. Codependency. Avoidance of the feeling of guilt and shame. Culture expectations. Family expectations. The feeling of obligation. Emotional blackmail. The feeling of religious obligation. Dealing with individuals who are manipulative or use forgiveness as a manipulative tool. Toxic relationships. Low confidence or self-esteem.
One day I asked God why I was being treated like that. He replied, “because you have always been responsible.”
How to set boundaries?
Remember you don’t wait until you meet a person to set boundaries. You set boundaries prior to meeting anyone.
Your boundaries are predetermined and non-negotiable.
You must be aware of your absolute deal breakers.
Determine how others should treat you and how you want to be treated.
You can also determine what areas you need to set boundaries in, based upon previous painful experiences that you learned from.
You must separate your professional boundaries from your personal boundaries. For professional boundaries have hours that you are available. What are your STATED policies? For me I am not available 24/7. Take vacations and leave your work cell phone alone. Rest, eat, stay healthy. For other therapist make sure you adhere to your code of ethics.
Who are the people that can hold space in your personal life? Determine who are the people that should have proximity to you versus those on the outside.
For my personal boundaries I will no longer be taking care of grown people. I am a therapist but to my friends I am not their therapist. I keep my personal life off social media and only speak of my business, books or accomplishments. I am not friends with my clients. I have clear boundaries of who I will allow in my home. I don’t pay bills for grown people. Remember everyone should not have access to you.
What are your boundaries in relationships?
Social media boundaries:
When posting on social media ask yourself, is it true? It is necessary? Is it inspiring? Is it kind?
God is not telling you or anyone else to use social media to confront, correct, or compare.
Boundaries cannot be assumed or implied, they must be clearly stated. Don’t assume common sense is not so common.
If you are renegotiating boundaries remember you can anticipate negative feedback.
Ghosting is not a way to set boundaries, it just shows you lack maturity, and the ability to communicate. Insecure people ghost, mature whole, healthy people have a conversation.
No one should have to observe your non ability to communicate or use spiritual gifts to determine what your issue is. Remember lying and passive aggressiveness is a red flag.
Finally, all healthy relationships, even interpersonal relationships have healthy boundaries. We all have limited capacity. You will never be able to be all things to all people.
Capacity is the maximum amount that something can contain or produce. You are not without limits. Remember a boundary is not a wall.
I wish you all the success in the world and healthy boundaries.
© 2022 Dr. Samaria M Colbert
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