Breaking Free From Codependency © 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic that is rooted in the spirit of power, control, and manipulation. In Christian circles we call codependency an unhealthy soul tie. Codependency is a form of enmeshment where individuals expected to think, feel, act and grow in the same way to their own detriment. In the codependent relationship an individuals’ thoughts, ideas, actions, behaviors, and opinions are subject to the domination of another person. The other person is controlling, manipulative and isolative. When one is in a codependent relationship, they relinquish their right to individual autonomy to the control of an abuser. Remember abuse doesn’t have to be physical, it can also be emotional or psychological as well. Codependency can be found in interpersonal relationships, romantic relationships, parental relationships including family. Codependency is never healthy and based upon manipulation. Healthy relationships are interdependent, while codependent relationships are not. In interdependent relationships your individuality is honored and respected, while seeing the value in relationship to others. When you’re in an interdependent relationship you still grow as an individual, while recognizing the unique goals, needs, and opinions of another. You don’t need to lose yourself to be in a relationship. Let’s look at what the Bible says about interdependent relationships. Proverbs 27:17 New Living Translation 17 As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. In interdependent relationships you are challenged to be the better version of you, they don’t try to control you. 1 Corinthians 12:12-27 New Living Translation One Body with Many Parts 12 The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ. 13 Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles,[a] some are slaves, and some are free. But we have all been baptized into one body by one Spirit, and we all share the same Spirit.[b] 14 Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. 15 If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body. 16 And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body? 17 If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything? 18 But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it. 19 How strange a body would be if it had only one part! 20 Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. 21 The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.” 22 In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. 23 And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, 24 while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. 25 This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other. 26 If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad. 27 All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it. The scripture in first Corinthians indicates healthy interdependent relationships. We recognize our differences, while recognizing we are a part of one body, one spirit. We are still unique and the same. We recognize our different positions within the body of Christ, but one person is not less than or more than the other. Different is not deficient, it’s just different. Codependent relationships are different in that they consider your individuality bad or a sin. In interdependent relationships we are placed within the body where God has assigned us, not by a controlling manipulative family member. Interdependent relationships are based upon mutual honor and respect. Signs you are in a codependent relationship Your unique individuality is frowned upon, you feel stuck and stagnant. You are put in a specific role within the family, that a controlling person benefits from. You don’t really benefit from the role you were placed in. I is considered a dirty word within your relationship. Control, manipulation is a reoccurring theme within your relationship. Unhealthy behaviors are the norm, healthy behaviors are frowned upon. For example, if you grew up in the home where everyone drinks alcohol, then you decide to get sober, you may be mistreated because of your newfound sobriety. Generational curses and intergenerational traumas are found within your family dynamic. Repeated unhealthy cycles. You feel as if you don’t have a sense of self, and that you can’t get free. You feel as if your souls are intertwined. You suffer with spiritual stockholm syndrome. That means you recognize you are being held captive, and bound in your mind by your abuser, but you have feelings of trust and affection towards your capture. You can pinpoint who the controller or controllers are within your family. You have a long-standing pattern of passivity. My pastor calls this passive righteousness. It means you are enabling behaviors, but because you are not actually doing the abuse, you feel as though you are acting in righteousness. This is not true. If you are in a getaway car while a store is being robbed, you still go to jail with the other assailants because you were in the car. Enabling someone else’s behavior means you secretly are agreeing to it and will suffer the same consequences as if you were the one committing the crime. You lack a sense of self. If you really think about it, you may feel like you don’t know who you are anymore since getting into that relationship Parentification of adults. This is when grown adults are parenting grown adults. Meaning you are clothing, feeding, and taking care of well abled adults. Or it can be the other way around, you are the adult child, who is feeding, clothing, and taking care of well abled parents. This is not referring to when you are taking care of aging or ailing family members. You can identify your role within the unhealthy family roles. You know in your heart your relationship with your family feels like a burden, it is damaging to you to be in their presence, and it feels like bondage. How to get free 1. Recognize that there is a problem. Often families can stay stuck in the place of denial for generations. Remember you will never get free from what you don’t acknowledge. There is a problem, hiding it from yourself won’t bring you to healing. 2. Depending on your identified role, you must determine what is in your responsibility and what is not. For example, if you have had the role of taking care of adults that is not your responsibility, what is your responsibility is taking care of yourself and your children. 3. Remember it’s going to be a process not an overnight journey. You’re in the process of rewiring your brain, to think, act and behave differently. There are steps to change. Precontemplation- You think about it every now and again but make no intention of changing. Often times we stay stuck in familiarity because what is familiar is our norm and change provokes fear of the unknown. Contemplation- You become more aware of the problem and how it is negatively affecting you. You think about it, but you haven’t made the full commitment to change. Preparation- You have determined that it’s a problem, you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. You have now determined to make a change. Action: You now are making actions steps to make the change. Your change includes setting clear and specific healthy boundaries. Remember all healthy boundaries have healthy relationships. All unhealthy relationships, unhealthy boundaries or lack of boundaries are somewhere in the midst. Maintenance-sustained changed, and behavior. Relapse-you may go back repeatedly into old behaviors, patterns before you finally make lasting changes. As a warning at this point you may be blacklisted, shunned, even become the black sheep of the family for making a change. Reference my blog The Black Sheep. However, at this point you have had glimpses of peace and have decided that your peace is worth the cost. Finally, what are your action steps. Remember actions steps don’t have to be giant leaps or steps, rather baby steps. Start with a commitment to renew your mind. You may not have the strength to leave right away but you can start by putting new information in your mind, once your mind starts changing your body will follow. Romans 12:2 but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Commit to flooding your mind with information, as you do this you are giving your heart muscle supernatural strength. Commit to meditating on scriptures, about God’s deliverance. Read more books that specifically speak to your situation, this will also help you to learn you and why you do what you do. I recommend the book: Boundaries Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Codependent No More. YouTube messages from other Youtubers about codependency. Determine the life you want to live, set boundaries, set smart goals and work towards them. Eventually you will get stronger to be able to remove yourself from the situation. Ephesians 6:12 King James Version 12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Remember it’s a spiritual a battle, but God has giving you what you need to fight. He also fights for you. Exodus 14:14 New King James Version 14 The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold[a] your peace.” Determine to not give up. Your worth the fight. Your peace is worth it. Remember God came to set you free from everything that holds you bound. Receive his freedom in Jesus’ name. © 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert
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The Black Sheep
© 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert Are you the spiritual leper/ black sheep? Have you ever been blacklisted or been considered the black sheep of the family? If you have this blog is for you. If you haven’t still read, the information will help you to help someone else. We live in world of cancel culture. Anyone at any time can “cancel” you without notice all because of what you have done or what offense they perceived you have done. Cancel culture doesn’t take into consideration perception versus reality not being the same thing. Anyone can imply something about you, put it on the internet and then the assassinations to your character and your brand begin. Even if you have never been canceled, get successful long enough your day is coming. Even the most innocent of thespians have been victim to the cancel culture bullies. Yes, I said bullies. Most mature people when we don’t like you or your stance about something do a mature thing and agree to disagree. No love lost. Cancel culture seeks your demise. What I love about God is that when you have a relationship with him, he doesn’t cancel you. If God put you in a position, you can’t be canceled, you can be down for a minute, but you will never be out. When God has a work for you to do, you will accomplish it, it doesn’t matter who doesn’t like you. I want to bring your attention to what it means to be the black sheep. When relating to modern day human behavior we must consider the Bible’s take on something. Remember because the Bible was written so many years ago, the behavior or the spirit is the same as today but the terminology or culture maybe different. I want us to interchange the word black sheep to a spiritual leper. Let me explain it will make sense. A black sheep today is in essence a Biblical leper in the Bible. A leper in the Bible was someone to be avoided and was rejected by others for moral and social reasons. If you encountered them, you were considered ceremonial unclean. A leper had a contagious skin disease such as leprosy, similar to eczema of today. However, leprosy was so severe it would eventually lead to death. A leper was an outcast, untouchable, and exiled person. Once a person had leprosy they would be cast out, they had to live outside away from everyone else. Therefore, lepers would often create a subculture. In scripture we see lepers going in packs together with other rejected lepers. Leviticus 13:45-46 New Living Translation 45 “Those who suffer from a serious skin disease must tear their clothing and leave their hair uncombed.[a] They must cover their mouth and call out, ‘Unclean! Unclean!’ 46 As long as the serious disease lasts, they will be ceremonially unclean. They must live in isolation in their place outside the camp. Lepers would suffer public humiliation, rejection, isolation, and being shunned by the same community they were once apart of. The sad thing is they were shunned because of something that was beyond their control. Now we will see the sameness of a leper to the modern-day vernacular, the black sheep. When you are the black sheep of the family you are disregarded or considered a disgrace to the family. You are intentionally uninvited, isolated, disregarded, and shunned. The family or community that once embraced you has now regarded you as bad or worthless. It gets better and there are reasons to rejoice, I am setting the foundations to bring you into healing just hang with me. Let’s talk about signs a person is the black sheep of the family.
Mark 3:20-21 (NLT) 20 One time Jesus entered a house, and the crowds began to gather again. Soon he and his disciples couldn’t even find time to eat. 21 When his family heard what was happening, they tried to take him away. “He’s out of his mind,” they said. Are you seeing that? Jesus own family accused him of being mentally unstable. Mark 6:2-4 New Living Translation 2 The next Sabbath he began teaching in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed. They asked, “Where did he get all this wisdom and the power to perform such miracles?” 3 Then they scoffed, “He’s just a carpenter, the son of Mary[a] and the brother of James, Joseph,[b] Judas, and Simon. And his sisters live right here among us.” They were deeply offended and refused to believe in him. 4 Then Jesus told them, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family.” If you have been blacklisted by your family. Take heart you’re in good company if it happened to Jesus, it can happen to you. When an individual doesn’t have a righteous view of their rejection, they can become sad, depressed, full of self-doubt, grief, low confidence, bitter and resentful. Don’t allow it beloved, when you do, they win. You’ve come to far to give up. Let’s talk about how to heal. First, I want you to take a different look at what it is to be the black sheep from heaven’s perspective. You must see yourself in the light of how God sees you. Know that God has not canceled you. Finally look at the blessing that God is going to usher you into. Let’s read 2 Kings 7:3-20. 2 Kings 7:3-8 New Living Translation 3 Now there were four men with leprosy[a] sitting at the entrance of the city gates. “Why should we sit here waiting to die?” they asked each other. 4 “We will starve if we stay here, but with the famine in the city, we will starve if we go back there. So we might as well go out and surrender to the Aramean army. If they let us live, so much the better. But if they kill us, we would have died anyway.” 5 So at twilight they set out for the camp of the Arameans. But when they came to the edge of the camp, no one was there! 6 For the Lord had caused the Aramean army to hear the clatter of speeding chariots and the galloping of horses and the sounds of a great army approaching. “The king of Israel has hired the Hittites and Egyptians[b] to attack us!” they cried to one another. 7 So they panicked and ran into the night, abandoning their tents, horses, donkeys, and everything else, as they fled for their lives. 8 When the men with leprosy arrived at the edge of the camp, they went into one tent after another, eating and drinking wine; and they carried off silver and gold and clothing and hid it. Your being blacklisted is a set up. Notice in the text in 2 Kings God caused the Arameans to hear the clatter of chariots. God orchestrated that, so we can rightfully imply that he orchestrated the blacklisted, black sheep, ostracized and rejected to come into massive blessings. God didn’t select who was accepted to find the blessing. God could have chosen the king, or the prophet who prophesied the blessing, no he chose those considered nothing at all. 1 Corinthians 1:28 New Living Translation 28 God chose things despised by the world,[a] things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. The point is God has intention on blessing you. He can and will bless you without anyone’s knowledge, or opinion. God doesn’t take advice from anyone when he chooses to bless you. Just like he orchestrated the lepers to find the treasure God is going to cause you to come into massive blessings without your haters. They don’t dictate God. If God has determined to bless you no man can stop, you. Don’t get discouraged, don’t give up, stay focused. Numbers 23:20 New Living Translation 20 Listen, I received a command to bless; God has blessed, and I cannot reverse it! © 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert The Hate
What do you do when you are hated? © 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert Why are you hated? Let’s be honest no one wants or enjoys being hated. We often see memes on social media about haters, quick clapbacks, motivational moments, tiktok messages all snarky, sarcastic responses to being hated. Hate is something that we will experience at some point in life. Many who have been hated have a “I don’t care attitude” about something they secretly care deeply about. Hate like betrayal can come from people you never expected. The difference is you can be hated for reasons that seem so trivial. Think about it why would anyone really hate someone else because of the color of their skin? It makes no sense. Have you ever found yourself being hated and you had no clue why? What about when you were hated by people who said they love you? There is a right way to respond to being hated and a wrong way. As always, this blog is about healing. It is meant to give you a Biblical response to a hurtful problem of being hated. You can’t change how someone feels about you, you can change your response. First let’s explore why you may find yourself being the focus of someone else’s hate. Psalm 69:4 New Living Translation 4 Those who hate me without cause outnumber the hairs on my head. Many enemies try to destroy me with lies, demanding that I give back what I didn’t steal. According to the scripture in Psalms 69, you will be hated without a real reason, because of false accusations with no real merit or evidence. You are accused of stealing or being dishonest, when you did nothing wrong. Look at what David said again, his accusers are asking him to give back what he didn’t steal. You are hated because your enemies have chosen to believe lies about you. Keep reading it gets better. It can be hard to hear or read about such unfair things nonetheless there is a reward. Psalm 97:10 New Living Translation 10 You who love the Lord, hate evil! He protects the lives of his godly people and rescues them from the power of the wicked. According to the text in Psalm 97, you will be hated because you don’t participate or engage in what is considered evil. Remember misery loves company. They hate you because you won’t compromise to be like them. Matthew 10:22 New Living Translation22 And all nations will hate you because you are my followers.[a] But everyone who endures to the end will be saved. According to the scripture you are hated because you are true followers of Christ. You don’t belong to this world. John 15:18-26 New Living TranslationThe World’s Hatred 18 “If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. 19 The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you. 20 Do you remember what I told you? ‘A slave is not greater than the master.’ Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you. And if they had listened to me, they would listen to you. 21 They will do all this to you because of me, for they have rejected the one who sent me. 22 They would not be guilty if I had not come and spoken to them. But now they have no excuse for their sin. 23 Anyone who hates me also hates my Father. 24 If I hadn’t done such miraculous signs among them that no one else could do, they would not be guilty. But as it is, they have seen everything I did, yet they still hate me and my Father. 25 This fulfills what is written in their Scriptures[a]: ‘They hated me without cause.’ 26 “But I will send you the Advocate[b]—the Spirit of truth. He will come to you from the Father and will testify all about me. You can’t get any clearer than John 15:18-26. You are hated because you are different, because you don’t belong, because of the God in you. Because the Holy Spirit down on the inside of you makes them feel guilty. You will be hated because you are innocent, and they are guilty. Remember truth doesn’t become a lie just because you don’t believe the truth. A lie doesn’t become the truth because you have chosen to believe a lie. I know this is redundant, but I love how The Message Bible explains it. Let’s read that version. John 15:18-27 The Message Hated by the World 18-19 “If you find the godless world is hating you, remember it got its start hating me. If you lived on the world’s terms, the world would love you as one of its own. But since I picked you to live on God’s terms and no longer on the world’s terms, the world is going to hate you. 20 “When that happens, remember this: Servants don’t get better treatment than their masters. If they beat on me, they will certainly beat on you. If they did what I told them, they will do what you tell them. 21-25 “They are going to do all these things to you because of the way they treated me, because they don’t know the One who sent me. If I hadn’t come and told them all this in plain language, it wouldn’t be so bad. As it is, they have no excuse. Hate me, hate my Father—it’s all the same. If I hadn’t done what I have done among them, works no one has ever done, they wouldn’t be to blame. But they saw the God-signs and hated anyway, both me and my Father. Interesting—they have verified the truth of their own Scriptures where it is written, ‘They hated me for no good reason.’ 26-27 “When the Friend I plan to send you from the Father comes—the Spirit of Truth issuing from the Father—he will confirm everything about me. You, too, from your side must give your confirming evidence, since you are in this with me from the start.” Drops the microphone. We will talk about what to do later but based upon John 15:18-26 don’t take being hated personal, it’s not you it’s them. John 7:7 New Living Translation 7 The world can’t hate you, but it does hate me because I accuse it of doing evil. They are rightfully accused of doing evil because they did wrong. They hate being called out. Remember Jesus never brings false accusations to anyone, satan does that. If God calls you out, it’s because you actually did it. Notice the scripture, they don’t really hate you the person, they hate the God on the inside of you. 1 John 3:11-14 New Living Translation 11 This is the message you have heard from the beginning: We should love one another. 12 We must not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and killed his brother. And why did he kill him? Because Cain had been doing what was evil, and his brother had been doing what was righteous. 13 So don’t be surprised, dear brothers and sisters,[a] if the world hates you. 14 If we love our brothers and sisters who are believers,[b] it proves that we have passed from death to life. But a person who has no love is still dead. You are hated because you do what is right and your enemy is doing what is wrong. Notice who the enemy was, Cain was an enemy to his own brother Abel. Don’t be surprised where your hatred may come from. Sometimes it can be people in your own bloodline. They see your success and the favor of God on your life, and they hate you because of it. Read Genesis 37 on your own time. Joseph’s brothers hated him and scripture tells us they wouldn’t speak respectfully to him because of the hatred they had towards Joseph. They hate you because of their own wicked or evil desires and imaginations. It seems so unfair. You are hated for doing the right thing. Although hatred is never okay, we tend to empathize with people a little more if they hate because of a wrong done to them. But according to the scriptures those who are innocent and righteous will be hated. We can never control or change how someone feels about us no matter how much we try. So, what should you do? I am glad you asked, let’s discuss. First be determined not to give up. The only way a hater wins, is if they can succeed at getting you so discouraged you give up. Determine that no matter how hurtful you will keep pushing. Galatians 6:9 King James Version9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Notice the scripture in Galatians says that you will reap a reward. The word is true, the criteria for reaping is determination and perseverance. Be determined to endure. To endure means to suffer (something painful or difficult) patiently. It means to remain in existence; last. Romans 5:1-5 New Living Translation 5 Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace[a] with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. 2 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. 3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Don’t match energies that’ll never work. Stay focused on the task ahead of you. A hater will try to distract you from your focus. Pretend like you can’t hear a word they are saying. They can’t stop you, so don’t let them distract. Remember anyone who is hateful is first broken. Think about it. If you’re a good person, you live your life to the best of your ability why would anyone who is truly healthy hate you without a good reason? Carrying hate is like a cancer it is a poison in your system that only grows. Pray that they release their hate to receive the love of God. You can’t be full of hate and receive God’s love at the same time. Matthew 5:44 King James Version 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; It’s hard to hate someone that you are praying for. I know it sounds counterintuitive but pray for them. Even if they don’t change your heart will heal. Plus, it creates an atmosphere for your success. Remember weapons may form but they won’t prosper. Don’t allow a hater to cause you to live in fear. Reference my previous blog on intimidation. Finally remember Jesus as our example. We can go to him, pray, seek guidance, and pour our hearts out to him because he understands. He endured hatred, persecution and being despised because of his love for us. Let him wipe your tears away. Hebrews 12:2 New King James Version 2 looking unto Jesus, the [a]author and [b]finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Isaiah 53:3-5 Living Bible3 We despised him and rejected him—a man of sorrows, acquainted with bitterest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way when he went by. He was despised, and we didn’t care. 4 Yet it was our grief he bore, our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, for his own sins! 5 But he was wounded and bruised for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace; he was lashed—and we were healed! Be healed in Jesus © 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert Christian Narcissist
Signs, symptoms and how to heal. © 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert Disclaimer I am a licensed therapist, I am not your therapist. This blog is meant to give you information only it is not meant to be used as a diagnostic tool, or a replacement for the need to seek mental health treatment. If you identify with anything we discuss today, please search out a therapist in your area. www.psychologytoday.com There is so much information about narcissism. Ironically there are ten different types of personality disorders, yet for some reason we have individuals who are hyper focused on narcissism. The appropriate term is an individual who has narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately, there are individuals who are not trained clinicians who are giving misinformation about narcissist personality disorder. For example, I saw one individual who implied that because the parents didn’t agree with their son’s lifestyle, they were narcissist. Another person reported that a person who is hyper religious is a narcissist. This is not true. Hyper religious people and disagreement is not a criteria for the diagnosis according to the diagnostic statistical manual. I want to give my take as a licensed clinician who is qualified and trained to access for and diagnose NPD. For those who may wonder yes, I have accessed and diagnosed individuals with NPD. My hope is by giving my contribution I can give clarity to the topic. Remember just because an individual has narcissistic traits, doesn’t mean they meet the full criteria for NPD. I believe that society is fascinated by these very clinical terms, nevertheless we need clarity by trained people qualified to give it. Another thing to consider is that most abusers have traits of narcissist, they don’t necessarily meet the criteria for NPD. There are two different viewpoints in society about narcissism, that are polar opposite of one another. There is the Christian worldview and the secular worldview. In the secular worldview the mental health field, the general thought is that it is very difficult, near impossible to treat individuals with NPD. However, in the Christian worldview our guiding principles states that nothing is impossible. If nothing is impossible, then individuals with narcissistic personality disorder can recover and be healed. You can believe what you want but as a person who is actively apart of both the Christian community and the mental health community, I believe my Christian values are superior to my training as a clinician. Therefore, I do believe that individuals who have NPD can be healed and recover. I will give you two different perspectives, the clinical criteria, then the spiritual implications. Narcissism is a spiritual issue as well. Matthew 19:25-26 New King James Version 25 When His disciples heard it, they were greatly astonished, saying, “Who then can be saved?” 26 But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Now let’s talk about who meets the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. Again, what I see online is there are some who have used the term narcissist to describe individuals who don’t meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. As a warning if you have experienced abuse, before you go start and ministries, YouTube channels etc. Make sure you go to therapy by a trauma therapist. Not a coach, or a counselor who is not trained. A licensed therapist. This form of abuse is considered a trauma and should be addressed by a licensed mental health professional. About criteria: According to the diagnostic statical manual that clinicians use to assess and diagnose mental health treatment, there are nine total symptoms that indicate a person has narcissistic personality disorder. An individual needs five or more of the symptoms to meet the criteria for NPD. If an individual has less than five, they don’t meet the full criteria and cannot be diagnosed with NPD. A seasoned clinician will assess for a co-occurring disorder, that may indicate a more appropriate diagnosis. For example, when a person struggles with an addiction, they tend to be very self-centered while in active addiction to feed their addiction. So, a clinician may not diagnose a consumer with NPD if there is a more appropriate diagnosis. Remember there are close to 300 diagnoses in our DSM. NPD is one of them. Clinicians make sound decisions based upon what is the most appropriate fit. A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements). 2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. 3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions). 4. Requires excessive admiration. 5. Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations). 6. Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends). 7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. 8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her. 9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). It is important to note that a child cannot be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. There may be events that have happened and is happening that may contribute to the formulation of the diagnosis. But a child cannot be diagnosed with NPD. Now let’s look at the spiritual side of narcissistic personality disorder. Lucifer is at the root of NPD. With NPD there are multiple types of spirits that are combined together to create NPD. This is why NPD cannot be addressed from a mental health lens only. The spirit of pride The spirit of deception. There are three types of deception such as self-deception, deception of others and perceived deception (gaslighting). Insecurity, that is rooted in the spirit of anxiety and self-hatred. Individuals with NPD, secretly hate themselves as a result took on an ulterior persona. They secretly believe who they are is in not enough. Remember that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have an inflated sense of self. Let’s look at scripture: Isaiah 14:12-15 New Living Translation 12 “How you are fallen from heaven, O shining star, son of the morning! You have been thrown down to the earth, you who destroyed the nations of the world. 13 For you said to yourself, ‘I will ascend to heaven and set my throne above God’s stars. I will preside on the mountain of the gods far away in the north.[a] 14 I will climb to the highest heavens and be like the Most High.’ 15 Instead, you will be brought down to the place of the dead, down to its lowest depths. Narcissism is rooted in the spirit of jealousy and envy. The spirit of witchcraft, power and control. Remember I said that anything that wants to subdue you against your will is witchcraft. Now let’s discuss how this relates to Christian narcissism. Technically by definition a person cannot truly be a narcissist and a Christian. However, for the sake of our discussion let’s talk about why individuals with NPD are often attracted to Christians in the Christian community. Remember look at again at Isaiah 14, Lucifer is saying, “I will.” Traditionally in Christian communities we have great respect and admiration for our Christian leaders. The individual with NPD, looks at this admiration and is secretly driven to be put in that position to receive that admiration. In Isaiah 14, lucifer looks at God’s position, and thought to attempt to overthrow God himself. Technically that is impossible but to the delusional deceived person nothing is off limits. Disclaimer I am in no way suggesting that a minister or pastor within the Christian church by default is someone who has NPD. I am saying that person’s with NPD are attracted to titles. This is why I tell single women don’t get excited because some minister is winking his eye at you and shows interest. Due your homework. Look at this person’s friends, what do they talk about. Is it solely on them? What is his relationship with his mother? For guys look beyond the surface. Yes, a woman can be beautiful, and attractive. Nevertheless, remember the spirit of Jezebel is also narcissistic personality disorder. A woman with this disorder will be attracted to you because of your position or platform. Yet, Jezebel seeks to emasculate you and put herself in your position. Watch women who have very bold opinions that are rooted in feminist theory, or she calls herself a feminist. This is a mask for the spirit of pride, that has its roots in the spirit of Jezebel. A whole emotionally healthy woman doesn’t see a man or anyone for that matter as someone to demean and compete with. We don’t have to go low for you to go high and you don’t have to go low for us to go high. The individual with NPD studies their prey. They will study the individual in the church. They will seek platforms, positions, and titles within the church. It then becomes easy for them to fulfill their perverted desire. Unfortunately, the church is one of the few places where you can have little to no experience, resume, references, or skill and be given a title to lead others. In some churches the training is very minor and can be completed in weeks or less than a year. If someone with NPD has decided a Christian or church is their prey, they will do things like read their Bible, teach the Bible, shout, and speak in tongues but they aren’t really worshiping God. They are doing it to be seen and to impress. It is a wonderful thing to see a man of God praising and worshipping. Persons with NPD are using admiration to lure you in. Remember individuals with NPD become what you want them to be, that’s why it is important for you not to reveal your whole heart to someone you just met. Proverbs 4:23 New King James Version 23 Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life. Remember deception comes through conversation. Don’t open your heart to anyone, observe first. Pray to God and get wise counsel. Persons with NPD appear to be natural leaders, remember the word appear. They are not real leaders; they have studied great leaders in order to try to conform themselves to be them. Remember what we read in Ezekiel 14. Watch conversations where the other person focuses on me, myself, and I. Persons who have been victimized by person with NPD often struggle with low confidence, fear, insecurity, self-doubt, they may have had abusive childhoods, or previous unhealthy relationships, codependency, and isolation. Finally let’s talk about how to heal. Go to therapy to unpack the effects of this form of abuse. You can forgive but don’t return. Take an inventory of underlying wounds that may have led you to being in this relationship. For example, if you were raised by parents with NPD, you may need to attend therapy to process through childhood abuse as well. Remember the scripture: 1 Corinthians 10:13 The Message 13 No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it. John 16:13 New Living Translation 13 When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future. If you identify as a Christian, you have to be honest to heal. What red flags did you ignore? What wise counsel did you not take? You can’t say nothing because the scripture clearly says that the holy spirit will guide you into ALL truth and will NOT allow you to be deceived. Go back to God and repent for moving forward without hearing his voice. As you heal, you will take your authority back. Luke 10:19 New Living Translation 19 Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you. If what you have gone through has caused you to waver in your faith, recommit your life back to Christ. Your identity will be reaffirmed as you meditate on the word and worship. Healing is a process, but you will get there. © 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert Betrayal
How to heal from a spiritual Judas? ©2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert Betrayal is probably one of the hardest things you will ever go through. It is the pain that most humans will experience at some point in their life. However, it is the mark of the believer. Some of you may be surprised at that statement. As usual I will back up everything I say with scripture. Matthew 10:21 New Living Translation 21 “A brother will betray his brother to death, a father will betray his own child, and children will rebel against their parents and cause them to be killed. Betrayal is not really betrayal unless it comes from individuals who you were once close to. In the text in Matthew 10:21 Jesus is explaining to the disciples what they would experience in their ministries. It was his way of preparing them for the pitfall of ministries. The purpose of this blog is not to give you a strategy to avoid the pain of betrayal, rather to comfort those who have experienced betrayal and are in the midst of recovering from the pain. This blog is meant to give you perspective and put you on the path to help you heal. Betrayal is the intentional act of deceiving, exposing, and attempting to mislead someone you are close to, and whom you previously trusted. In order for it to meet the definition of betrayal it must come from someone you once trusted or loved unconditionally. Have you ever loved someone and then came to the realization that they didn’t love you the way you loved them? Love doesn’t intentionally hurt someone. This is why betrayal hurts so much. Strangers can technically hurt you. However, in my opinion the two most painful types of emotional pain, come from when a loved one dies and when someone betrays you. Betrayal can feel like a death. It maybe the death of the relationship or the life you thought you’d have. Betrayal is an intentional act; it doesn’t happen by accident or coincidence. Betrayal is the act of causing pain to someone you once trusted, had hopes and expectations for. Betrayal is the action of failing to fulfill a promise. Betrayal reveals to you the true nature and character the betrayer. The betrayer didn’t become a betrayer when they acted on the behavior, they were actually betrayers along time ago, their nature was hidden from you. To betray also means to be unfaithful, to turn one over to the enemy, to expose to harm and to violate trust. The Bible dictionary tells us that a betrayer is proven faithless, treacherous, and to trust a deceiver. Are you seeing the pattern here? The betrayer is first an act, who commits an action. They act like their your friends, or are a committed partner, family or loved one. However, their actions reveal to you who they were all along. Look at what David said about his betrayers. Psalm 55:13 New King James Version 13 But it was you, a man my equal, My companion and my acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, And walked to the house of God in the throng. A betrayer can be your best friend, or someone who you use to praise God with at church. Psalm 41:5-9 New Living Translation 5 But my enemies say nothing but evil about me. “How soon will he die and be forgotten?” they ask. 6 They visit me as if they were my friends, but all the while they gather gossip, and when they leave, they spread it everywhere. 7 All who hate me whisper about me, imagining the worst. 8 “He has some fatal disease,” they say. “He will never get out of that bed!” 9 Even my best friend, the one I trusted completely, the one who shared my food, has turned against me. A betrayer is someone who is motivated by such deception they are actually waiting for you to die. They gossip about you behind your back. They want you to get a fatal disease. They turn against you. Before we talk about how to heal, let’s discuss why people betray you. For our discussion we will look at the character profile of Judas. His full name is Judas Iscariot. He was one of the twelve disciples. He saw Jesus perform miracles, signs, and wonders. Jesus revealed mysteries and secrets to his disciples. Judas amongst them. Judas was the treasurer, and a sticky-fingered thief. Meaning he took a little extra from the offering basket if you know what I mean. Judas handed Jesus over and betrayed him for 30 pieces of silver. Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. Jesus responded by calling him friend. What was Judas motivation for betraying Jesus? Greed. Now let’s talk about why people betray you. Betrayers to this day are often driven by greed. Greed is an intense selfish desire for something, such as wealth, money, power, success, and admiration and to go about it by obtaining it unethically, immorally by deceptive means. Betrayers withhold information. Remember withholding information is the same as lying about information. Spiritual Judas’s are motivated by false ambition, (selfish motives), jealousy, and envy. Judas’s has evil desires to take what doesn’t belong to them by deceptive means. Meaning they defraud others. They steal social security numbers, they falsify documents, they commit identity fraud and any type of illegal activity all in an attempt to get money out of someone. Spiritual Judas’s are covetous, meaning they crave someone else’s possessions, position, and advantage. Spiritual Judas’s have a poverty mentality. They want but are not willing to put in the work to get it. They see your success as a means to an end. Meaning there are people who only hang around you because of what they can get from you, or the benefits of being in your presence. The really don’t like you as a person. They see being in your presence as an opportunity for advancement, but they could care less about you the person. They have an unhealthy desire for positions, platforms, and titles. What should you do? Recognize it for what it is, don’t try to figure it out or rationalize it. Often when we first experience the pain of our own Judas, an individual can be in such shock that they replay over and over again what happened. Ruminating on what happen will only make your heart sick. As a warning if you try and confront them if they have no conviction, they will first deny, then claim it was some type of misunderstanding or try and say or imply that you knew what they were up to, even though it makes no logical sense. Remember betrayal is not an overnight action. This has been brewing in the betrayer for some time. They started plotting and planning their actions, then they executed. Acknowledge your pain before the father. The pain will not go away immediately but pouring your heart out to God postures your heart to heal. You will heal better when you are not around the betrayer. With the exception of married people. If you and your spouse decide to make your marriage work, you must heal to bond together. Still, you should have your own individual counselors as well as a marriage counselor. Make sure the counselor is going to counsel you with the purpose of reconciliation, not divorce. Remember to process your pain in therapy. Determine to forgive, even when it hurts. Forgiveness is for you not the other person. Forgiveness helps you not to live your life in bitterness and resentment. Ask God what is he teaching you. Psalm 119:71 New King James Version 71 It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes. Other healing scriptures you may find helpful include Psalms 35, 36 and 37. Set boundaries if this is someone you must interact with. Remember healing is something you must commit to repeatedly. You will have triggers and have to remind yourself that you are in the process of healing. Worship amidst your pain, something beautiful is being birth from your hurt. Isaiah 61:3 New Living Translation 3 To all who mourn in Israel,[a] he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory. Recognize you are grieving. Grieving is a temporary process not a lifetime sentence. You can grieve someone who is alive. The relationship is dead. You don’t have to be bound the rest of your life by someone who betrayed you. Be intentional about not allowing bitterness to take root. Don’t ruminate repeatedly about what happened. It happened. Repeating it in your mind won’t change what transpired. Keep praying until the peace comes. You will get better, you will heal. Sometimes God must expose betrayers so that you know who is truly for you and not, so you don’t take people into your promise out of loyalty who don’t belong there. God will send healthy people in your life. Your betrayers are not permanent people in your life God already has their replacement. Sometimes rejection is God’s protection. 1 Corinthians 2:8-9 New Living Translation 8 But the rulers of this world have not understood it; if they had, they would not have crucified our glorious Lord. 9 That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.”[a] God is going to get the glory out of your life. Romans 8:28 New Living Translation 28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[a] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. © 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert What to do when you struggle with feeling intimidated by another? © 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert Intimidation is a spirit of fear. When a person is intimidated, they struggle with anxiety. Remember you will never get free from what you are in denial about. First it is important to understand that intimidation really has more to do with how you feel about yourself. Proverbs 23:7 King James Version 7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: Remember the story of Moses who sends out spies to view the land God has promised them. Numbers 13:31-33 New Living Translation31 But the other men who had explored the land with him disagreed. “We can’t go up against them! They are stronger than we are!” 32 So they spread this bad report about the land among the Israelites: “The land we traveled through and explored will devour anyone who goes to live there. All the people we saw were huge. 33 We even saw giants[a] there, the descendants of Anak. Next to them we felt like grasshoppers, and that’s what they thought, too!” Look at the language of the people of Israel. God won’t give you a promise that you can’t apprehend. The people of Israel had a negative view of themselves, therefore they assumed that they were perceived negatively. They also had a negative view of their capabilities. Yet there were two other spies named Joshua and Caleb. Let’s look at their report. Numbers 13:30 New Living Translation 30 But Caleb tried to quiet the people as they stood before Moses. “Let’s go at once to take the land,” he said. “We can certainly conquer it!” How is it that a group of people saw the same thing, one group had a negative scary report the other had a positive report? Because it had everything to do with how they saw themselves. Caleb was confident in himself and God therefore he knew they could conquer the land. The other lacked confidence in themselves and God. Who you really put your trust in determines your results. Let’s discuss signs a person struggles with feeling intimidated. They have a poor view of themselves or superficial view. Meaning they get confidence in what they achieve not who they are. This is also known as performance driven behaviors or people pleasers. Prideful, meaning they have an unhealthy view of self or are self-focused. Pride can manifest as confidence, but it is underlying insecurity. They compare themselves to another and place themselves as inferior. Individuals who are only attracted to other people with low self-esteem struggle with the intimidation. Constant need for validation, is a sign of insecurity. Gossip. Anyone who gossips about another or is entertained by the downfall of another person is secretly intimidated by them. False narratives. These are individuals who believe false narratives about themselves or others. They say things like, “no one can be trusted, all women can’t be trusted.” Secret jealousy. One of my YouTube subscribers wrote, “jealousy is a secret sin and it’s never in plain sight, that’s why you have to be careful who you allow in your circle.” I absolutely agree. Missed opportunity These are individuals who won’t go for promotions or a promise that God has intended for them to have due to intimidation. The people of Israel who spoke the negative report and believed it, didn’t make it to the promise. Imagine being feet away from the thing God has promised you all your life and miss it due to your own mindset. Secretly believing you are not good enough Unhealthy, impure, sense of self. This looks like the women you see on television or social media. Society thinks the more women show their bodies the more beautiful they are. So, everything is fake, BBL’s, breast implants, nose jobs, lip fillers, sew in’s down past the but, fake nails, globs of make up to the point where you look like a different nationality. I am not against nails, hair and makeup. I am suggesting that some, (hence the word some) use these things to cover up insecurity and intimidation. Underlying belief that you can’t do something. Remember the people of Israel said, “we are not able.” This is so important because remember the anointing flows from your God confidence. Difficulty believing what God says about you. Jealousy in relationships (these are controlling, manipulative relationships.) They secretly believe they are not good enough and will leave you for someone else. They use titles to give them a false sense of self-worth. Remember having a title or position is not the same as having an anointing. Difficulty with people in authority or submitting to authority. Often these individuals are intimidated by authoritative personalities. Easily offended and defensive. Desire to hide or stay hidden. What should you do? The goal is to change your view of yourself, not how others see you, and not try and expect others to change for you. The root cause is the spirit of rejection. Rejection can be apparent in three ways real/perceived rejection, self-rejection, and fear of rejection. Start by identifying your root, where did it come from? Was there a specific moment, or series of incidents that triggered you to feel rejected? Identify what you learned and what you need to unlearn. Confront the false belief (what you need to unlearn), with what God has to say about you. Remember this an intentional step by step process, it is not an overnight sensation. After you identify the false narrative you must meditate on scripture, until your thoughts, actions and behaviors reflect scripture. Joshua 1:8 New Living Translation 8 Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. The more word you get in you the better you will feel. Meditation is not the same as this new age meditation. New age meditation is about self-worship. Christian meditation is about meditating on the goodness of God. Isaiah 26:3 New King James Version 3 You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You. Scripture meditation changes your brain chemistry. Get around people who challenge you, not pacify you. Ask God for corrective experiences. It’s okay to affirm yourself in what God says about you. Be careful who you have in your personal space, there are some who have a vested interest in keeping you stagnant. Remember as you grow certain people won’t go the journey with you. You will outgrow some people. Be intentional about where you place your thoughts. Philippians 4:8 New Living Translation 8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 2 Corinthians 10:5 New King James Version 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, Change your environment and your routine. Once you expose yourself to new things your eyes are open to the possibilities of what you can become. My favorite things of 2021 was visiting the Billy Graham Museum in Charlotte NC. Although I don’t aspire to be Billy Graham, seeing his life made a profound impact on me and encouraged me to be bold about my faith. If you haven’t, I highly recommend going to the Billy Graham Museum. You can also read and study the lives of others. Remember scripture says we overcome when we hear others tell their testimony. Revelation 12:11 King James Version 11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death. Go to therapy Go to therapy Go to therapy By the way did I mention go to therapy. And then go to therapy. Remember God is your father. Fathers provide, protect, and give identity. When we struggle with intimidation often times, we experience fear in those three areas. Is God going to provide for me? Is he going to protect me? Who am I? The more you grow in your relationship with God, the fear and intimidation leaves. 1 John 4:18 King James Version 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. Jeremiah 31:3 New Living Translation 3 Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. You are beloved of God. © Dr. Samaria M Colbert 2021 What to do if someone is trying to intimidate you?
© 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert Disclaimer in my last blog I discussed what to do if someone is intimidated by you and you are not intentionally trying to intimidate them. In this blog we will discuss what you should do if someone IS intentionally trying to intimidate you. “Rather than going after the promises of God intimidation, causes you to forfeit advancement and now you do what is expected of you by the adversary or opponent.” Bishop Herman Murray of the Full Gospel Holy Temple Church Headquarters of Dallas, Texas When someone is trying to intimidate you, they are really trying to stop the plan of God from manifesting in your life. If someone is trying to intimidate you, first ask yourself the question what is their true motive. Let’s start by discussing where intimidation comes from. First intimidation is really a spiritual battle. Intimidation is a spirit of fear. Intimidation is also a witchcraft spirit, that is rooted in the spirit of power and control. Anything that is trying to take power over you and control you against your will is the spirit of witchcraft. Ephesians 6:12 New King James Version 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of [a]the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Your fight is not against the person, rather the spirit they are operating under. That doesn’t mean you pacify their behavior, it means you recognize who your real enemy is. Everyone is not led by the Holy Spirit. Romans 8:14 New King James Version 14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. Anyone who is led by the Holy Spirit is not trying to control or manipulate you, it doesn’t matter how many scriptures they quote. Intimidation is a spirit that is not of God. 2 Timothy 1:7 New King James For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Intimidation is really a strategy from satan. 1 Peter 5:8 New King James 8 Be [a]sober, be [b]vigilant; [c]because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. To devour means to be preyed upon, to destroy, to be totally absorbed by a powerful feeling. (Intimidation) Things to remember is that you really have the upper hand. Regardless of what it looks like you have the upper hand. No one tries to intimidate someone they don’t first see the value in doing so. They are almost always trying to stop or prevent you in some way. Fears wants us to run and hide from the very thing that God is trying to bring us to. Let’s talk about signs someone is trying to intimidate you. The most obvious is that they threaten you. When they threaten you, they are not asking questions rather they are making demands and spewing out hatred. “You are going to do this……” “I am going to hurt you…….” 1 Kings 19:1-3 Living Bible 1 When Ahab told Queen Jezebel what Elijah had done, and that he had slaughtered the prophets of Baal, 2 she sent this message to Elijah: “You killed my prophets, and now I swear by the gods that I am going to kill you by this time tomorrow night.” 3 So Elijah fled for his life; he went to Beersheba, a city of Judah, and left his servant there. Notice in I Kings Jezebel makes the threat, Elijah responds in fear by running away. Someone who is trying to intimidate you wants to cause you to run away from your promise. They make false accusations against you, then threaten you. I literally had someone do this to me recently. I did anything to them. The person then said I did this and that, then threatened me. Another form of intimidation is exhortation. Extortion means the practice of obtaining something, especially money, through force or threats. The person that made the accusations about me was really trying to get money out of me. If I didn’t comply with their demands, they threatened to take me to court. I don’t respond well to threats or false accusations, and definitely not attempts at extortion. So, I calmly replied. “I’ll see you in court.” They bully you. The bully most often tries to intimidate someone who they think they would have an unfair advantage over. Bullies never fight fair. See the power and control wheel. Other types of intimidation listed on it include economic intimidations, you are threatened with losing your job or in a relationship where they withhold financial resources. Emotional manipulation or gaslighting. Privilege, they expect you to allow them to take advantage of you because of loyalty to family, male privilege or the perceived proximately of the relationship. Meaning they think because you are family you are obligated to put up with certain behavior from them. Spiritual abuse, they use your Christian values against you. Typically these conversations go “but you’re a Christian and you are supposed to…..” You know where this is going. They use coercion or suggestive reasoning. Meaning they give settle, but negative hints or suggestions meant to persuade you. Remember in the beginning satan said to Eve “Did God really say?......” In the workplace they are trying to build a case against you based upon false accusations to try and prove you are incompetent to do your job or a bad employee. They try to turn others against you. Remember a liar always needs an audience, but the truth does not. The truth even without an audience can stand all by itself. Nothing is off limits. These people will even use children against you. What should you do if someone is trying to intimidate you? Remember you don’t have to be a doormat all in the name of being a good Christian. There is a time to confront them, it may not be right away. You also must use wisdom as to whether or not it is safe to confront them alone. Remember God will eventually expose them. By the way he doesn’t need the help of gossip sites, false prophets, or exposure ministries. None of that is Biblical. Luke 8:17 Easy-to-Read Version 17 Everything that is hidden will become clear. Every secret thing will be made known, and everyone will see it Let’s discuss how to confront someone. Matthew 18:15-20 New Living Translation Correcting Another Believer 15 “If another believer[a] sins against you,[b] go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. 18 “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid[c] on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit[d] on earth will be permitted in heaven. 19 “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. 20 For where two or three gather together as my followers,[e] I am there among them.” Take your case means to YOUR church, not the worldwide church as a whole. Every church has a government. Bring it before your local church government. If it is a matter for the church to handle. The local church that covers you has the authority to make decisions. You don’t have authority over everyone in the church worldwide. By this time your issue should have gone before the pastor and leaders, and they make the decision. If it appears as though it is one person against the other, that is not God. Literally that is one person coming against another person, with no governing body or spiritual leader. This is not of God. One person does not have the authority to overthrow another. If you don’t have a governing body, spiritual head such as a pastor, you are out of line with what scripture says. Therefore, again not within your authority. Notice I said matters that the church should address. All matters are not addressed by the church. For criminal matters call the police, for family matters or mental health matters contact a therapist for family therapy. For civil matters such as estate planning and such contact a lawyer. The point is respect the lines of authority and seek counseling within those lines. They will also try and use a perceived crisis. Meaning they will make it seem as if you must act immediately, so you make major life decisions or your finances are spent based upon fear. I had a psychiatrist I worked with who said, “Your crisis is not my emergency.” It may sound harsh, but it is the truth. You are not supposed to be the emergency rescuer for people who make poor decisions. I had an acquaintance who called me up and told me that people had showed up at her door to turn her lights off and she needed my help to pay her bill. Ironically, she “forgot to pay it.” Lies all lies. First, in North Carolina nobody shows up at your door to turn the electric off, they do it virtually. They always send you notices before they send a final notice. The amount she approached me with was astronomical for it being in North Carolina. Our utility bills are rather low here. I live in a three-bedroom, two-bedroom home and have never had a bill that high. Her home is near the same square feet as mine. The truth is she went sometime without paying her bill. Why would a grown 40 something adult not pay her bills? Maybe she was short on cash. It happens, not to me but hey it happens. However, here’s the lie. Three days prior she had thrown a very nice, extravagant birthday party, months prior to her actual birthday. It was a very nice, catered event, nicely decorated, she changed outfits twice. She funded this entire event herself. I had no issue with that. Do you sis, I was there to celebrate her. Imagine the irony when she approached me, she could plan such a wonderful, extravagant event down to the T. No detail forgotten, but she “forgot” to pay a bill. Make it make sense. Again, three days later she tells me she “forgot to pay her bill.” Lies all lies. She didn’t forget to pay her bill, she didn’t pay it so she could put that money towards her party. Can you say priorities? Listen I was born in the morning but not yesterday morning. I am a grown adult who pays my bills and am not in the business of funding irresponsible adults. I can’t stand a liar, definitely not one who treats my kindness like I am naive. I didn’t give her the money by the way and made the decision to find like-minded people who don’t think to lie. One day I'll teach you what a poverty spirit looks like. If it is your employer, they have a governing body. Start by contacting HR. Remember I said in my last blog keep your documents. Don’t take it to social media. I have seen people try to clear their name on social media and it only fuels animosity. It only creates more drama. God will clear your name. Don’t give your enemies any press. They are trying to use social media against you. However, remember no one can dethrone you from a position that God has placed you in. If you feel the need to truly tell your testimony, don’t use names and remember to give glory to God. Don’t use social media as a venting session. It only makes you look bad. Psalm 37:6-7 New Living Translation 6 He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. 7 Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Don’t fight fire with fire. Don’t seek revenge or avenge yourself. Romans 12:19 New Living Translation19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,”[a] says the Lord. Pray for discernment. God will tell you what is really going on and how you should respond. If someone threatens you believe them. I didn’t say live in fear I said believe them. Have a full cell phone, save all text messages, voicemails, and get the police involved if needed. Sadly, I actually had to do this because of threats against me. None of this was from my client’s or my practice, rather jealous people. Pray the right prayers. Acts 4:23-31 New Living Translation The Believers Pray for Courage 23 As soon as they were freed, Peter and John returned to the other believers and told them what the leading priests and elders had said. 24 When they heard the report, all the believers lifted their voices together in prayer to God: “O Sovereign Lord, Creator of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them— 25 you spoke long ago by the Holy Spirit through our ancestor David, your servant, saying, ‘Why were the nations so angry? Why did they waste their time with futile plans? 26 The kings of the earth prepared for battle; the rulers gathered together against the Lord and against his Messiah.’[a] 27 “In fact, this has happened here in this very city! For Herod Antipas, Pontius Pilate the governor, the Gentiles, and the people of Israel were all united against Jesus, your holy servant, whom you anointed. 28 But everything they did was determined beforehand according to your will. 29 And now, O Lord, hear their threats, and give us, your servants, great boldness in preaching your word. 30 Stretch out your hand with healing power; may miraculous signs and wonders be done through the name of your holy servant Jesus.” 31 After this prayer, the meeting place shook, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit. Then they preached the word of God with boldness. Notice in the text, the believers didn’t pray that the threats would go away. They knew that this would happen because of the prophetic word. Notice who was trying to intimidate the believers, there was Herod, Pilate, and none believers. It tells us that is it not uncommon for people in positions of leadership to come against us. They prayed for boldness. You must do the same. God can make it, so you are full of peace, power and boldness while in the midst of enemies. Pray for boldness. Psalm 23:4 New Living Translation4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley,[a] I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You don’t have to live in fear or timidity. Proverbs 28:1 New King James Version The Righteous Are Bold as a Lion28 The wicked flee when no one pursues, But the righteous are bold as a lion. Draw closer to God in worship and scripture meditation. When I was enduring the spirit of intimidation from my enemies, I drew closer to God. I have a closer relationship with God than I ever have. What they tried to do to me only made me more anointed. Be intentional about casting down fear imaginations. If you allow it your fear will have your imagination running rapid. Remember forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. If you must interact with them, set healthy boundaries, and maintain them. Healthy boundaries don’t work if you keep compromising them. Remember God will vindicate you. Vindicate means, clear (someone) of blame or suspicion, show or prove to be right, reasonable, or justified. God will tell you what He is going to do in advance. Shut up, don’t tell anyone, remember He is true to his word, and he will respond. Finally: Isaiah 54:17 New King James Version 17 No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, And their righteousness is from Me,” Says the Lord. In the end you will win © 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert SIGNS, SOMEONE IS INTIMIDATED BY YOU AND WHAT YOU SHOULD DO ABOUT IT.
©Dr. Samaria M Colbert Where does intimidation come from? Intimidation means to be timid or fearful, frightened especially to be compelled or deterred. Let me be clear about my intended audience today. I am not referring to you or someone who is intentionally trying to intimidate another. That is for another blog. What I am referring to is when someone is intimidated by you without your knowledge or intention of making them feel that way. Remember someone else’s intimidation is about their own insecurity, particularly when you are not trying to demean or mistreat them. Sometimes your success is intimidating to someone else. It has nothing to do with you, rather the other person and how they view themselves. You can never change how someone else views you. This blog comes after I had some very odd experiences. I couldn’t understand why someone would mistreat me or display under handing passive aggressive actions towards me as if I couldn’t clearly see their behavior. In my prayer time the Lord spoke to me and said, “he’s intimidated by you.” Later, I sought the Lord because I didn’t understand why anyone would be intimidated by me. Yes, I am successful, but I don’t have an intimidating personality. I tend to be a quiet, introverted person. I don’t mistreat anyone. Then the Lord spoke to me and said, “as a man thinks in his heart so is he.” He reminded me that this person’s behavior towards me had nothing to do with my actions towards him, rather it had more to do with how he saw himself. For my singles it is important to note that you don’t want to do relationship with someone who is intimidated by you. Insecurity will show up in the relationship and manifest as jealousy. You can never change someone’s view of themselves, no matter how hard you try. Let’s start by discussing signs that someone is intimidated by you. The signs we will discuss are in no particular order. Office Politics This is for those who are in in the corporate workplace. This symptom is particularly near and dear to my heart because I see so many clients who experience increase in stress and anxiety in the workplace due to office politics. When this happens you may have another coworker or even a superior who is trying to undermine you and make you appear as if you are incompetent. They are secretly insecure and believe you have a vested interest in trying to take their position. The one that is intimidated may do things like make accusations about you as an employee that are not true. They make nice nasty inferences that you are not responsible or incompetent of doing your job. If this happens nothing you do is right they are always waiting, watching and preying on you to get it wrong. Only to try and prove you are what they have thought about you even though it is not true. False Accusations Against Your Character Someone who is intimidated by you has already decided about who they think you are. Their opinion of you is most time always negative because it is based upon their own insecurity. Out of their insecurity they will accuse you. Apparently even though it is not true you are “rude, think you’re better than them, bougie, and a snob.” Gaslighting/Passive Aggressive When a person is gaslighting you, they are the perpetrator of the offense, but they project it on you as if you have done something wrong. You will find this behavior in the workplace and in manipulative relationships amongst, family, friends, and romantic partners. Passive aggressive behavior is when someone refuses to address you directly. They come off as cold, uncaring, distance, and emotionally absent. Emotional abuse/emotional unavailable Competition Someone who is intimidated by you secretly sees you as someone to compete with. In their eyes you are wining and subconsciously you must be subdued. Fear They are afraid of you because they see the hand of God on your life. They also observe you responding wisely and are therefore afraid. I know it doesn’t sound correct but go with me it will make sense. 1 Samuel 18:12 New Living Translation 12 Saul was then afraid of David, for the Lord was with David and had turned away from Saul. 1 Samuel 18:29 New Living Translation29 Saul became even more afraid of him, and he remained David’s enemy for the rest of his life. 1 Samuel 18:14-15 New King James Version14 And David behaved wisely in all his ways, and the Lord was with him. 15 Therefore, when Saul saw that he behaved very wisely, he was afraid of him. Embellishment These are individuals who feel the need to impress you, so they make things more than what it is. Minimize These are people who minimize your successes or make light of it. False witness These are people who straight up lie. They say you did things you didn’t do, say they heard you say things you didn’t say and imply that you have motives that are not true. The scripture calls this wicked imaginations. Proverbs 6:16-19 New International Version16 There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: 17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, 18 a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, 19 a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community. Gossip and slander Anyone who gossips about another is secretly intimidated by them. They see you as the enemy even though you don’t see them that way. They feel negative about you so they want others to feel negative about you. They are often angry and resentful towards people who treat you with respect and kindness. They believe their thoughts, about you are true. Just because you think a thought about someone doesn’t make it so. Often our thoughts about another is driven by our own insecurity. Christians will try to spiritualize their insecurity by calling it a spiritual gift, discernment, or prophecy. They are delusional to believe their assignment is to use their prophetic office to expose and bring others down. This is not a spiritual gift or assignment rather rooted in the same spirit that drove satan to deceive a third of the angels, the same spirit that drove King Saul to try to kill David. It is a spirit that is not of God. What should you do? Remain confident of what God has said about you. Other people’s opinion of you doesn’t matter. Your identity must be rooted and grounded in God’s opinion of you not people. Recognize that people who don’t have a positive view about you, don’t have a positive view about themselves. These people don’t like themselves why would they think positive about you? They can’t project what they don’t have. Loving others first starts with how you love and feel about yourself. Don’t personalize their behavior or cause their behavior to cause you to question yourself worth and identity. Don’t compromise or come down to their level. Keep your words few. Don’t try to change their opinion of you. For those in the workplace, keep documents, emails, certificates, any form of written communication. Remember they are trying to build a case against you, you need your own file that contradicts their file. Pray for them. Romans 12:14-20 New Living Translation 14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! 17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. 19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,”[a] says the Lord. 20 Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.”[b] It is very hard to hate someone who you are praying for and asking God to bless. I want to address a false narrative I saw on Facebook. An individual said that it is wrong for a Christian to want revenge or vindication. This is not true. God in His nature said that he will take revenge. In another translation it reads God is a God of “vengeance, I will repay.” This individual claimed that because we are under the grace covenant these desires are wrong. Not true. Apostle Paul who gave us the doctrine of grace, is clearly quoting Old Testament, but vengeance falls under the category of a part of the new covenant as well. So, what is the answer. Galatians 6:7-9 New King James Version 7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. 8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. 9 And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. We don’t seek vengeance for ourselves. Vengeance is a part of the nature of God and is a righteous act that only belongs to Him. We don’t have the power, authority, or permission to take vengeance. You cannot claim that vengeance within itself is wrong when the scripture even under the New Testament grace is CLEARLY telling us that the nature of God is to avenge you and according to Galatians what a man sows, he will reap. Again this is under the new covenant of grace. We wait on God. Pray for our enemies. Remember God doesn’t relish or take pleasure in the demise of your enemies. He uses vengeance to bring them back into alignment with Him. Ezekiel 33:11 New King James Version11 Say to them: ‘As I live,’ says the Lord God, ‘I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live. Turn, turn from your evil ways! For why should you die, O house of Israel?’ So, we must pray that those who are enemies get their hearts postured into right relationship with God. Vindication is not a bad thing. It means the action of clearing someone of blame or suspicion to prove that someone or something is right, reasonable, or justified. I don’t care how spiritual you are, we all want our name cleared. Vengeance is not a bad thing either. Vengeance means to harm someone who has harmed you. Often the vengeance of God comes in the form of recompense. It means God himself will compensate you for the pain you were caused in front of those who caused you the pain. Technically your enemy is not physically harmed but they feel the emotional pain of seeing you succeed despite their best efforts to stop you. Psalm 23:5 New King James Version5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. When you respond wisely God responds by blessing you. Another reason to pray for your enemies. Matthew 5:43-48New Living TranslationTeaching about Love for Enemies43 “You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’[a] and hate your enemy. 44 But I say, love your enemies![b] Pray for those who persecute you! 45 In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. 46 If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. 47 If you are kind only to your friends,[c] how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. 48 But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect. When you pray for your enemies, it doesn’t mean that you are releasing them without consequences. It means you are releasing them to God, while clearing you of bitterness, and unforgiveness. That doesn’t mean God won’t vindicate you or avenge you. Remember you can’t mistreat a child of God and think you’ll get away with it. God gives them grace; time and He is patiently waiting for them to turn away from sin and repent. It’s okay to separate yourself. Remember forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. If you’re in the workplace or church, make sure God has released you. Sometimes God allows us to be in a painful place to develop us. Pray for protection. Honor the position even if you can’t honor the person. Remember your validation comes from God. Psalm 75:6-7 King James Version6 For promotion cometh neither from the east, nor from the west, nor from the south. 7 But God is the judge: he putteth down one, and setteth up another. Seek God, in your prayer time He will tell you what is going to happen. After you hear from God and you will hear from God be quiet and wait on God. He will do just as he said. Finally remember intimidation is a spirit of fear, satan wants to remove you from your position of authority in Christ Jesus. Don’t let him do it. In the end it is only a test. In the end you will win if you don’t give up. I am praying for you. © 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert 2022 Vision Casting
How to accomplish your goals, manifest your vision and grown your business every year. Dr. Samaria M Colbert © 2021 The key to kingdom success is intentionality. You must be intentional about your success. Success doesn’t come from wishful thinking. Yes, shouting and praising is a wonderful thing, but that alone will not get you to success God’s way. James 2:17-18 Amplified Bible 17 So too, faith, if it does not have works [to back it up], is by itself dead [inoperative and ineffective]. 18 But someone may say, “You [claim to] have faith and I have [good] works; show me your [alleged] faith without the works [if you can], and I will show you my faith by my works [that is, by what I do].” There are many Christians who believe their faith alone is what is going to bring them success. So, we shout and cry over the promise not considering the in between work. Remember God will bless the works of your hand and cause supernatural increase however you must have the works in your hand for Him to work with. Nothing plus nothing equals nothing. I want to discuss with you strategies I have used to bring me success. Before I say that I am going to take a minute to explain my successes. What I am about to say is not intended to be boastful or flex however in this particular blog I do believe that in order to show you what I do you should see my resume. I believe in order to give advice in some areas you have to have the receipts or resume that prove you are qualified to do so. So here is my resume, I am a fully licensed mental health therapist that has been in the field for 16 years. I have written and published close to 60 books, my goal within the next 5 to 10 years is to complete 100. I have five degrees including a doctorate. I am the author of over 10 online training courses, I have a podcast, I am a speaker, I own my own private practice. Although we are not exactly where I want to be we see continued growth every year. I manage my finances very well. By the way I am not known on social media. This is important to state because people assume that if you don’t have thousands of social media followers then you aren’t successful. My success has come without being well known. The point again is not to brag or be prideful. I am truly humbled and grateful for what God has done in my life. My point is that none of it would be possible without a kingdom strategy. I never in all my life imagined or even thought I would accomplish so much in my lifetime. It’s crazy to think that I feel like I am just getting started. Here I am a girl from a small town. Most of my life people underestimated me. I was the one overlooked, misunderstood and rejected. I was told I’d be nothing most of my life. But when God’s hand is on your life He orchestrates your rejection for His purpose. I am not that smart, I am dedicated, driven and purposeful about my life. By the way for those who may think I am lying, you are probably viewing this on my website, but for those who are not visit www.samariacolbert.com, to see my receipts. I am going to show you, my method. This is what I do to see results. I am also going to point out to you mistakes I see other people make, that leave them stuck, stagnated, and distracted. The first thing is you must be clear about your purpose and your assignment. It is very difficult to maintain your drive and focus if you are not clear about what you are supposed to do. Your purpose comes from God, it is why you were created. Your assignment is the unique task that God wants you to accomplish. Think about like this. When I was a college student the goal or purpose for being a college student was to graduate with a degree. The assignment or task were the individual classes and assignments I had to complete to get to my goal which was graduation. Remember seek God for what He wants you to do. You are guaranteed success when it is God’s plan for your life. You are not guaranteed immediate results. There are four reasons why people don’t follow through with what God has told them to do, it all boils down to being distracted. Matthew 13:1-9 Living Bible 13 Later that same day, Jesus left the house and went down to the shore, 2-3 where an immense crowd soon gathered. He got into a boat and taught from it while the people listened on the beach. He used many illustrations such as this one in his sermon: “A farmer was sowing grain in his fields. 4 As he scattered the seed across the ground, some fell beside a path, and the birds came and ate it. 5 And some fell on rocky soil where there was little depth of earth; the plants sprang up quickly enough in the shallow soil, 6 but the hot sun soon scorched them and they withered and died, for they had so little root. 7 Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns choked out the tender blades. 8 But some fell on good soil and produced a crop that was thirty, sixty, and even a hundred times as much as he had planted. 9 If you have ears, listen!” Matthew 13:18-23 Living Bible 18 “Now here is the explanation of the story I told about the farmer planting grain: 19 The hard path where some of the seeds fell represents the heart of a person who hears the Good News about the Kingdom and doesn’t understand it; then Satan[a] comes and snatches away the seeds from his heart. 20 The shallow, rocky soil represents the heart of a man who hears the message and receives it with real joy, 21 but he doesn’t have much depth in his life, and the seeds don’t root very deeply, and after a while when trouble comes, or persecution begins because of his beliefs, his enthusiasm fades, and he drops out. 22 The ground covered with thistles represents a man who hears the message, but the cares of this life and his longing for money choke out God’s Word, and he does less and less for God. 23 The good ground represents the heart of a man who listens to the message and understands it and goes out and brings thirty, sixty, or even a hundred others into the Kingdom. God giving us clear instruction is one thing, our obedience is another. The first reason why people don’t accomplish their goals has to do with them being shallow. These are Christians who have a lotto mentality. These are Christians who shout, cry, and fall out over the promises of God and have no intention of doing the work. They are just waiting for opportunity to show up at their door, with no effort on their part. Scripture says they have no depth. The other reason is that they don’t seek understanding. When God speaks to you concerning what you are to do, He doesn’t always tell you how. Last year God spoke to me and told me to start a podcast. He didn’t tell me how to start the podcast, it was my responsibility to seek out how. Then there are others who are pursuing money. I always say don’t pursue money, pursue your God given purpose and money will find you. This is why scripture says in Matthew 6:33 Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you. These are individuals who are lured by the promise of wealth. They see their favorite guru who promises a get rich quick scheme and they fall for it. They watch their guru’s YouTube videos with lavish cars and what appears to be unlimited cash and that’s it off they go. These are people who go from one multi level marketing company to the next. They are running after wealth. Their own gifts talents and abilities are rarely considered or are an afterthought. The other reason people are not successful is because of the persecution they experience. Let’s be clear when you have a word from God you will experience persecution. The key is to persist in spite of great obstacles and opposition. Lastly remember those who received the word and put it into practice produced some thirty, sixty and even a hundred times more. This is the kingdom secret to success. When you endure and hold on to the word, with intention, you will have supernatural success. This is the reason I have been able to produce so much, it wasn’t because I was the smartest, or the brightest, I am no one’s genius, I am intentional and consistent. Think about it, we all have that friend who in the last 10 years has had 10 different businesses. They went from selling makeup, to clothes, to real-estate, to weight loss shakes, to T-shirts, only to come up empty. No matter how much these individuals post on social media, they are not really successful. Their primary customers are their many friends. Remember a solid business, product or service is not based on how many friends you have. You know you have a solid product when perfect strangers support and sustain your business. Think about, Steve Jobs who has longed passed away, we are still buying products he created. Most of us have never met with the current CEO that doesn’t stop Apple from selling billions of products each year. We are not Facebook friends with the CEO, yet we invest our hard-earned money in their product. Let me tell you a secret. For those who have changed multiple businesses. Your friends won’t tell you this but here it is. Even they don’t take you serious. They support you because you’re their friend not really because they believe in your product. You lose credibility after a while. It’s like going to a job interview and the employer sees you have transferred jobs 10 times in 10 years. Your skill means nothing at this point, what is blatantly obvious is your consistent pattern of being inconsistent. Again, the first thing you absolutely must do is be clear. I got clarity over 20 years ago, when I started my freshman year of college. I started attending a youth led Bible Study where the youth pastor was talking about the importance of prayer and fasting. I fasted for about a week because I wanted to know what my purpose was. God spoke to me in a series of open visions after that. Remember clarity comes from the Father who created you. If you want to get success God’s way you have to follow His plan not your own. You can’t get to God’s success following your own way. Jeremiah 29:11 Living Bible 11 For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Proverbs 16:9 New King James Version 9 A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 14:12 New King James Version12 There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death. The next thing you must do is to be intentional and strategic. To be strategic means to have an intentional plan and target to accomplish your goals. After you obtain a word from God, write it down in your journal. Proverbs 14:12 New King James Version 12 There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death. You must determine to get it done. Plan your way to it. Every year I hear from God concerning the next year’s assignment. Most of the time God speaks to me around September or October about the next year. I immediately write it down. I get a planner for the next year. I write out what my year goals are, and the prophetic words for the year. I then put in monthly, weekly goals. Some add in daily goals, I am more of a weekly, monthly task person. At the end of each month my pastor taught us to take inventory. What did I accomplish? what did I not accomplish? Why did I not accomplish it? Finally let’s talk about mistakes I see people make. There are three main reasons people don't see success, is they are not committed, they don’t prepare, and they use social media like a social club to keep up with their friends, but never talk about their passions, their business, or their ministry. Call your friends on your cell phone, don’t use social media to just catch up if you say you have a real business. The other thing is that they are easily distracted. Their distractions come from toxic relationships, and wrong motives. I had an associate who wanted to do ministry, yet she always found herself in unhealthy, unholy relationships. You must focus. Needless to say what she actually accomplished versus what she could have accomplish was very different. If she only focused and stopped being a thirsty desperate woman she would have accomplished so much more and wouldn’t be struggling. You must be committed to right people in your life and get rid of people who are a distraction or not going in the same direction you are going. Amos 3:3 King James Version ' 3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed? Truth is everyone can’t walk with you. You can’t hang out with dead weight and expect to run at the same pace. Be committed to learning. When I was broke, I knew what God had for me, so I was constantly studying on business, buying books from thriftbooks.com, I watched YouTube, I attended free conferences, I went to the public library. Now that my finances are much better, I am able to attend conferences and such. Invest in yourself. Lastly you must be committed. God will guarantee you supernatural success when you are committed to His plan for your life. Be committed. Dr. Samaria M Colbert © 2021 Today we will discuss how to deal with the holiday woes. Let’s be honest everyone does not experience holiday cheer. In fact, many people experience an increase in anxiety and depression during the holidays. We experience grief, loss and depression all throughout the year but it's something about the holidays that makes it feel worse. With the pandemic so many have lost loved ones. Often the holidays are a reminder that we will no longer see them again.
What is the holiday woes? A woe means a feeling of great sorrow, distress, sadness and unhappiness. Today we will discuss how to deal with three types of woes. Woes include trauma triggers, grief, and how to stay sober when you are triggered to use drugs or alcohol. What is a trigger? A trigger is anything that reminds of you of past painful experiences or events. According to Wikipedia. A trauma trigger is a psychological stimulus that prompts involuntary recall of a previous traumatic experience. The stimulus itself need not be frightening or traumatic and may be only indirectly or superficially reminiscent of an earlier traumatic incident, such as a scent or a piece of clothing. Wikipedia: The free encyclopedia. (2021, November 19). FL: Wikimedia Foundation, Inc. Retrieved November 19, 2021, from https://www.wikipedia.org Triggers can be persons, places, things, smells, memories. For those in recovery you want to be careful about your triggers during the holiday season. You want to maintain your sobriety. For those who are not familiar with substance use recovery, the term sobriety means to not use drugs or alcohol. Sometimes we refer to this as abstinence. The reason holidays can be a trigger to relapse is because often families use drinking and drugs to celebrate. Imagine going to your grandparents home for Thanksgiving and seeing your grandmother’s open bar and her welcoming arms. Maybe last year you would drink and smoke with your cousins, this year you just came for the food. Big difference. You think they won’t pressure you to use? If you say no, good luck. Most people would say, “heck yes.” What about seeing your favorite alcoholic drink there? Would you be tempted? Most times people excuse away behavior during the holidays that any other time would be unacceptable. Being drunk is pacified as “celebrating”. What about those who have experienced trauma? Imagine having to go back to the house you were abused in, to eat dinner. What about Uncle Willie who use to touch you when no one was looking. Ironically, he’s an invited guest to Big Mama’s house. No pun intended. Remember she is her son. Your pain is pushed under the rug, all in the name of a family gathering. I mean no harm and am not trying to rain on your parade. However, I am writing this as a therapist who must counsel my clients through these situations. The names are not real, and the stories I gave you are fictional, but the scenarios are what people really deal with in real life. What about the dysfunctional family you were raised in? You could avoid them all year, until the Holidays. There is Aunt Karen who likes to get loud and fight. Uncle Bobo who carries a switchblade “just in case.” There’s the jealous sister who despises your existence and Aunt Bookie who use to be Uncle Booby. She likes to gossip and ask you why you’re not married. You really want to be like Jesus and say, “where is your husband, I perceive in the spirit you have five husbands and the one you’re with is someone else’s” But the God on the inside of you won’t let you call it like it is. So, you prepare to smile, grin and gracefully respond. All the while cringing your teeth, holding your breath and praying “God get me out of here.” Let’s not forget, Uncle self-righteous who loves to pray but clearly has some difficulty with regular hygiene that no wants to tell him about. They don’t want to offend him, even though he is offending you and everyone else with the stench. What do you do when your family is dysfunctional? Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza doesn’t change their dysfunction. It means you feel like your forced to hang around people if you be honest you don’t really like. If you weren’t related to them, you’d never hang out with them. Let’s talk solutions. K
Matthew 5:4 NKJV 4 Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted. How can the Holy Spirit comfort what we are in denial about? Remember the Holy Spirit doesn’t condemn us when we mourn He comforts us. John 14:26 King James Version 26 But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, If possible, rethink holiday traditions. You don’t have to do it as it has always been done. Create a new tradition that is helpful for you. You don’t have to be around toxic people because it’s the holiday. For those who are in recovery from substance use or alcohol. Remember your recovery is also contingent upon people, places or things. If you know your family is a trigger for you to drink you don’t have to go. If you are obligated and must go, pray first. Remember temptation doesn’t have to draw you away. 1 Corinthians 10:13 New King James Version 13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to [a]bear it.
What about trauma? Remember the trauma is what happened, the feeling after it happens is fear.
Remember you don’t have to put up with dysfunctional family members who are demeaning, rude to you or condescending all in the name of celebrating a holiday. You don’t have to put up with rude behavior. Remember trauma and grief triggers can be anything. My grandmother Betty was the pillar of our family. She had her own catering business. She cooked every year for our family. The first year without her was the hardest. One of her favorite singers was Luther Vandross. This Christmas was a song she loved to hear him sing. One day I was going into a beauty supply store to get hair supplies and their goes Luther’s soft silky voice playing over the intercom. Imagine me in the beauty supply store getting ready to bawl my eyes out. If this happens to you or something similar, it’s not Luther or the hair, it’s a trigger for grief. Holiday music, movies and décor can be a trigger. Make sure you remind yourself, that you can get through this moment. You can see your therapist before and after the holidays. Be generous considering volunteering on that day. I am sure food banks and homeless shelters would love to see you. I don’t celebrate Christmas, for no reason it’s just not my thing. That doesn’t stop me from donating to toy drives each year. I believe God rewards generosity but don’t do it because of the reward do it because it’s in your heart. Lastly it’s okay to identify toxic behaviors. Wait…..Wait before you go full steam ahead. This is not the time to have conversations and process hurts from the past with your family. Trust me during the holidays it never ends well and creates drama they are more than likely not willing to address. What I mean is you must call a thing a thing. What are toxic behaviors in your family that you need to avoid? If you know when Aunt Bobo gets loud when she has been drinking and is ready to fight, that’s an unhealthy behavior. Once you are in a place of awareness you can plan ahead. You know when Aunt Bobo get’s loud it’s time to make your exit or ignore her. What about toxic behavior within yourself? If you know you are in recovery from a cussing, fighting spirit know your trigger. It could be that when Aunt Tryonisha wants to try your patience, you have to be aware of what steps to take. Wishful thinking won't do it. It is better to have a plan even if you never have to execute it, then to not have a plan at all. Remember the plan. I hope this helps. I tried to add a little humor in this blog. Either way it’s not to make light of a tough situation rather to give you perspective. Laughter is a healthy coping mechanism by the way. Consider bringing the funny movie as your new tradition. The point is it is perfectly okay even scriptural to protect your peace and honor your heart. You don’t have to feel obligated to be, do or spend time in places and spaces that doesn’t honor you or the God in you. In summary it all boils down to PROTECT YOUR PEACE. Proverbs 4:23 NIV 23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. I wish you a happy nontraditional Holiday. Love Dr. Samaria Dr. Samaria M Colbert © 2021 An individual who is qualified to render mental health treatment is a licensed therapist. Therapist must have a graduate degree, and completed clinical hours towards licensure from a licensed board. Active therapist submit to their license board regularly. Credentials that are licensed to treatment mental health/emotional wounds include, LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) LCAS (Licensed Clinical Addictions Specialist), PsyD (Psychologist) LCMH (Licensed Clinical Mental Health Professional), LPC (Licensed Professional Counselors. LMFT (Licensed Marriage Family Therapist Mental health coaches, are not certified, trained or licensed to work with individuals who have a mental health condition. No matter how much they want to. Christian Counselors: Can get "certified in six weeks for less." Remember all counseling is not mental health counseling. People that may want to consider getting "certified" are those in Christian professions that have a counseling component to it. (Example, pastors, apostles, prophets, ministers etc) Someone who has a certificate in Christian counseling ONLY is not qualified or properly trained to treatment mental illness. That does not mean they can't counsel others, it means they are not qualified/trained to treat mental illness. Other counseling persons that counsel but don't have a mental health background include: Licensed Pastoral Counselors, Licensed Clinical Christian Counselors, etc. Chaplain etc. I am a therapist who is a Christian. I have been fully licensed as a licensed therapist in the mental health field for over 10 years. I have worked in the mental health field for almost 16 years. Don't covet the position, just get properly trained. Schools that teach integration include: www.liberty.edu www.regent.edu Colorado Christian University www.CCU.edu Disclaimer I did not graduate from these schools. There are other schools as well. If you want to do Christian counseling, but don't have a desire to do mental health counseling. Consider getting a master's degree in Christian Counseling. Schools include: (This is not a public endorsement rather I am giving you information to make your own decision) Newburgh theological Seminary. However there are many I am letting you know about one) Master of Arts In Christian Counseling https://www.newburghseminary.com/mast.... They also have a doctoral program. Doctorate In Christian Counseling www.dts.edu https://cornerstonechristianuniversity.com/ https://www.sfbc.edu/master-of-arts-degrees/ https://bethelbiblecollegeandseminary.org/doctor-of-philosophy-in-christian-marriage-family-counseling/ https://www.gs.edu/academics/degrees/masters-programs/master-of-arts-in-christian-counseling/ NTS is not CACREP accredited. They are accredited. Accredited by Transworld Accrediting Commission International. World-Wide Accreditation Commission of Christian Education Institutions I am not against coaches, Christian counselors, (many of them reference my work). I am against individuals not actually trained or licensed who think it is okay to change the name, but try to treat individuals with mental health conditions or emotional wounds. The reasons why people do these things is because they covet the position but don't want to submit to the process of being properly trained. There are spirit-led, deliverance ministers who also are LICENSED mental health therapist. Be Well www.samariacolbert.com www.Kingdomcreativecounseling.com www.transformingchristianleaders.com Samaria's training program for licensed therapist. https://samaria-s-school.thinkific.com/ For someone who may want to know whether or not they are seeing a real therapist. Always ask the professional who you want to see about their license, how they obtained it, what their licensed number is. How long did it take them to obtain it? If they don't let you know the graduate program or the two/three year licensure process you are not seeing a licensed therapist. All mental health therapist licenses are public record. Dr. Samaria ****I DO NOT SUPPORT THE USE OF NON CLINICAL PROFESSIONALS TREATING INDIVIDUALS WITH MENTAL ILLNESS.**** I was having a discussion with someone I was working with many years ago. They said something to me that was very profound. So profound I will never forget it. They said, "One day I realized I was waiting on an apology I was never going to get, then I started my healing journey." The point is your healing is your own. You can heal, forgive, let go of the pain without ever receiving an apology from those who hurt you. Remember Jesus never made the apology you are owed a prerequisite for your healing. There are those who will never admit their wrong, but you can still grow, love, forgive, be happy, be whole and healthy. You can't change what happened, you can decide to heal and move forward. You don't need ANYONE else's permission to heal. Someone else's opinion of you doesn't matter. Your healing is available to YOU. Let them be big mad, when you keep being happy, successful and at peace. It is then that you realize what they tried to do DIDN'T WORK AND WILL NOT WORK. Go ahead start your healing today. Pray, Allow Jesus in, then go to therapy. The reason why people become jealous or envious of you is because they secretly believe you are not deserving of your success. They compare themselves to who you are and end up feeling insufficient/insecure. It has nothing to do with you rather something they must work out on their own with their therapist. Either way don't play small to make someone else feel big. Signs someone is jealous:
1. Don't Recognize that this is a spiritual battle and that no weapon that forms against you shall prosper. Isaiah 54:17 2. Distance You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who is jealous of you. It's like befriending a giant, deadly, poisonous snake. What are the odds you won't get bit? (slim to none) 3. Dismiss it. Remember what God says about you is what matters. If what they say isn't in line with what God's says dismiss it. 4. Remember God will respond. No we don't wish vengeance on our enemies but also remember vengeance and vindication is a righteous action God gives to His children. Read Psalms 35. Romans 12:19 King James Version 19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 5. Remember it's a spiritual battle. You can't fight spiritual battles with fleshly weapons. Your enemies are being driven by an evil spirit Ephesians 6:12 King James Version 12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. 6. Don't become what they tried to do to you. If you allow it, their actions will only make you better, increase your success and push you into greater. Remember David responded wisely to Saul. (That's why he was able to take the throne despite the king's actions) It can either make you bitter or better but not both. You must choose the better. Reference: James 1:2-4 (NLT) 2 Dear brothers and sisters,[a] when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. 7. Forgive. Remember forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. Haters, jealous people will come. But how you respond is up to you. When you respond as Christ would want you too, He gets the glory. 8. You don't have to respond. When Jesus was accused, He didn't respond even though there were multiple false witnesses who gathered to accuse Him. Reference Mark 15: 1-5 Book: The Accuser How To Heal When You Have Been False Accused. By: Dr. Samaria M Colbert (C) 2021 Dr. Samaria M Colbert "I don't need a therapist because my best friend is a therapist, I'll just call her." Ummm facts. Here's the thing. Just because your friend is a therapist doesn't mean they are YOUR therapist. You need YOUR own therapist. In the same way you wouldn't assume because your friend is a primary care physician that they are your physician. We have professional boundaries we adhere to. Our professional license warns us against conflict of interest. Remember therapist provide more than just a listening ear. They provide treatment that includes completing an evaluation, treatment goals, and clinical interventions. You best friend providing a listening ear is not the same as mental health treatment although it may appear to be. Fact 2: Just because you meet a new person who is a therapist doesn't give you the green light to start self disclosing. We therapist don't particularly want to hear your issues when we are doing things outside of our office. I.e hanging out, grocery shopping, party etc....We have lives outside of our offices. Facts 3: We have to maintain our own emotional boundaries for our own sanity. Imagine seeing people for 8-12 hours straight. You just want to chill, have some good laughs with friends, eat some good food, maybe even have a good cry. You know debrief like everyone else. Then.....only to be pulled into another unofficial therapy session with your friends. Doesn't sound fun right?.....Trust me its not. Facts 4: When a therapist tells you, you need therapy they are NOT trying to insult you. Please respect your friend who is a therapist boundaries. They are not trying to be cold or indifferent to your situation. Sometimes our relationships outside of therapy may look different then you expect. We need our own space to renew, rejuvenate and get strength. Listening to our friends issues doesn't allow us to always hold space for that. The moral of the story is YOUR friend who is a therapist is NOT your therapist. We are not a resource for free therapy. Therapy still works though. Please get your own therapist it works. ###Therapyworks. Check out Leah M Forney's interview with Dr. Samaria M Colbert on Faith and Mental Health.I had the pleasure of being interviewed for the podcast for Kingdom Driven Entrepreneur. Click the link below and make sure you follow their business and podcast to get updates and inspiration from entrepreneurs all around the country.
This blog is a conglomerate of over 10 years of writing. You will notice that the blog goes from oldest to newest. This was due to having to change the web host and that it didn't automatically transfer over correctly. I hope you don't mind. Be mindful that over the years, maturity and perfecting my writing gift there is a progression in skill. The earlier blogs are from a beginner writer, the newer ones are from an established writer. Enjoy.
To heal or to be healed means to be brought back to a place of wholeness. It means to be at a state of equilibrium, to be cured, to be healthy again or to fix what has previously been broken. To recover means to be at a place where you are no longer controlled by the thing that once held you bound. Recovery could also be defined as a place of balance. For those of us who work in the mental health profession recovery means that the person is at a place where they are able to maintain happy healthy lives, be productive citizens within their families and communities. Coincidently, recovery and healing can be instant, although many times recovery and healing happen over time.
Scripture tells us that there is a time to heal. That means that there are times in our lives where we will be sad. There will be times where we experience hurts and pains. There will be times where we feel the comfort of love and times we feel the pain of disappointments or abandonment. No one can argue that they have never had feelings of being broken, abused and even forgotten. Truthfully, we all have. However, when considering what healing means it is important to note what real hurt means. Ever experience the death of someone you love, the abandonment of a lost dream or hope. Something you put your faith in that didn't come through. I have often thought that emotional pain is harder to deal with than physical pain. Think about if I accidentally bruise my arm, I can get bandaged up and proceed with my day. Emotionally hurt it takes a tole on all areas of our lives. Emotional hurt impacts how you interact with others, relationships, and your ability to trust. Emotional hurt can be debilitating at times and can keep us at a state of constant wariness. Many people live their lives trying fix what happened in there past. We are living today feeling the hurt of yesterday. I believe that all trials are a great gift that comes to make us strong. Think about it what did you learn? When I went through some of the most tumultuous times in my life I learned that I was really was a lot stronger than I thought I was. I learned that I had nothing to fear and that God really hadn't abandoned me. I learned to go after my goals with everything I had. I would have rather failed at trying something than to have sat around doing nothing for fear that I might fail. I learned that perception is everything and that if I thought myself to be a failure than everything else around me would be. If I thought I'd be successful and a winner, than I started seeing victory in all areas of my life. To say it is a time to heal means to make a proclamation to the past that it will no longer control my future and my destiny. It means I know what happened but I have had enough now and am ready to move on. To heal is a decision you make, like forgiveness is. It means to say I am tired of this mess in my yesterday trying to creep up in my today. To begin to heal means I am ready for a change. It is silly to keep doing the same thing expecting different results. You cannot change yesterday, tomorrow is never promised. Regardless of the situation this moment is the best moment to decide to live. It is up to you. God ultimately gives us the supernatural ability to forgive and to heal the broken places that we otherwise couldn't heal ourselves. Healing begins from the inside out not the outside in. Healing ultimately begins with you. © 2009 Samaria M. Colbert Many of us who are driven to succeed must endure a process. We first begin with a vision. A vision is something you wish to accomplish, a goal, something you work towards with an expectation of reaching the end that you anticipated. Vision gives you a destination and road map to work towards. Think about it, most people don’t get into a car without having in mind where they want to go. You expect that when you start going somewhere you will get to where you had predestined to go. Therefore you have vision. A true vision comes from God. He has a purpose and a destiny for our lives, he begins to reveal to us that purpose by giving us a vision. One could argue that in some instances we can use the words vision and promise interchangeably.
God promises us that he will give us the desire’s of our hearts if we seek him. God has a promise for every one. God has a vision for everyone, it is what we were created to do. Nobody on this earth is created arbitrarily absent from a purpose or vision that God has for us to accomplish. If God did not have a purpose or destiny for you he simply would not allow you the opportunity to be placed on this earth. Everything created has a purpose and destiny to do while here on earth. The process is what happens between vision and the manifestation of the fulfillment of the promise. So it looks like this, VISION + PROCESS = PROMISE. They must happen within this order. You can’t have vision without a promise. You can’t have promise without a process. The process will be one of the hardest things that anyone will have to endure. Often times while in the process you have to walk alone. This is were God teaches us how to hear his voice and to tune out all distractions. While going through my undergrad, I would work part time behind a jewelry counter. I learned a lot about jewelry back then.The thing that I remember most about gold is that it most be purified. Gold naturally has impurities in it, most people don’t want jewelry with blemishes in it. We all want the most perfect piece of jewelry that our money can afford. Gold is purified by having it reduced down to a liquid form. It is then placed into the fire, it is while in the fire that the impurities rise to the top, the merchant then wipes the impurities away, and then the gold is placed back into the fire. This process is repeated several times until the merchant gets the gold to the consistency that he/she wants. Ironically, the less the impurities in the gold, the more expensive it tends to be. I used the process of purification to symbolize God’s process, we are his precious jewels. We belong to him, he must take us through the purification process. Everyone has impurities in them. It is in God’s process that our characters, integrity and intentions are made Holy before him. This is were he takes away the pains of our past, and where we learn to forgive. The process is one of the hardest and most arduous things we will every have to endure. The process is not easy. The process is what prepares you for His glory. Please note that things that you have attained but not been processed into will eventually kill you. Instead of being a blessing, it will become a curse. God loves us enough that he has to prepare us for His glory. There are many people that will never do what they were created for because they don’t want to endure the process or they get discouraged. The process is not easy, but well worth it in the end. So for those of US, who are in the process, don’t give up. Keep encouraged. There is a purpose for your pain. © 2009 Samaria M. Colbert |